23 Things My Girlfriend Better Not Get Me For Christmas

Hey girlfriend,

I love you, I really do, but please take note of these things I don't need.

Xxx

1. Gift Cards.

Oh, sweet, how thoughtful. NAWT.

2. High-End Grooming Bullshit.

I shave twice a week, don’t have a gym membership, and wash my body with $3 shampoo. If I don’t care about my body, why do you?

3. Tickets To A Sporting Event.

See, if I don’t take you, I’m in trouble. If I take you, you’re not going to have fun seeing as you talk the whole way through ANY match. Let’s cut the shit and not have the awkward conversation over who I’m going to bring.

4. A Book.

I’d rather be looking at photos of Instagram models and checking sports scores.

5. Booze.

Wow, really?

6. An Apple Watch.

My grandfather would slap the shit out of me for wearing “jewelry” if he saw me wearing something on my wrist that did anything but tell time.

7. A Picture.

I’m already your personal photographer, so this would just be overkill.

8. A Gym Membership.

That’s pretty wishful thinking considering I’d probably only use it for the sauna in an attempt to cure my hangover.

9. Any Type Of Craft.

Easy on the papier-mâché, Picasso.

10. Socks.

I’ll lose it first run through the wash. Guaranteed.

11. Cooking Classes.

I… just no.

12. A Watch.

You can’t afford the one I want.

13. An iTunes Gift Card.

I haven’t bought a song or app since, like, 2009.

14. A Wallet.

Places I will leave it: at a bar, in a Hailo, in between your couch cushions, literally anywhere that I’ll never retrieve it from.

15. A Sweater.

I’m probably going to ruin it by washing it with the wrong temperature of water and drying it on too high of a heat. And then you’ll yell at me.

16. Cookware.

Yeah, my outdated kitchen really needs new pans and a coffee machine that looks like R2-D2. Won’t look out of place at all.

17. Anything I’ll Have To Exchange Due To Size.

The last thing I want to deal with is gift receipts and post-Christmas day crowds hunting for deals.

18. A Scarf.

You’re just going to feel insulted when my friends are making fun of it at the bar, and then we’ll have to leave and argue in front of our Hailo driver which neither of us want.

19. Fun Coupons.

Yeah, I’m sure you’ll be really into that back rub I have to use a fucking coupon to get. You’ll either feel like a dead fish slapping my back or say, “Not tonight,” before I just throw the stupid booklet away for good.

20. A Dog.

Too serious. Too fucking serious.

21. A Trip.

It will just end up costing me more money than it cost you to set the whole thing up.

22. Charity Donations.

Can’t we just give them the pants you got me that are 2″ too small from last Christmas instead? We both knew I wouldn’t trim down just to fit in some slim fit chinos you overpaid for.