For a girl who's manners are flawless and behaves with the utmost decorum, I spew some seriously rated R filth in bed. Talking dirty is the one time that I can take all my built up porn addiction knowledge and explode like a fire breathing sex dragon. Usher, my beautiful chocolate idol, prophetically said he wants ‘a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed’. Talking dirty is a wonderful solution for all the women out there, like me, who love getting away with doing the bare physical minimum in bed. I am like a paralysed starfish, salvaging my sex status only by my verbal seduction. Talking dirty is like getting a blow job in the ear during sex. When done right, it takes an average Jane in bed to porn star levels.


Talking Dirty is perhaps the simplest language going, bar Spanish -I learnt Spanish from a Burrito menu and was only kidnapped once on my trip to Mexico. The key is to use as many fucking adjectives as is humanly possible to describe whatever body part you are touching. I’m not talking about ‘very’ or ‘nice’, we’re not describing your primary school pen pal. Remember to differentiate your dirty words for the pocket puncher and the pocket.

When describing a vagina, I like to pretend I’m painting a picture of a misbehaved seal in a wet suit on the beach. Use words like tight, dripping, wet, clinging, naughty, warm…etc. All of these should be said through porn star pursed lips.

When describing the Pumping Pole of Penile Power, girls should envision they are being asked to clarify a police sketch of the Rockefeller building. What's worked for me in the past is describing that purple helmeted warrior as something that could be used for pole vaulting. Guys also love hearing ‘I want you in me'...because well... you do. I’m not sure what it is about that phrase but it just riles them up like a Bull getting ready for encierro. Once the Gristle Missile has made contact, make sure not to conceal your moans of pleasure that might resemble the sound of you being punched in the uterus but is really just you reaching nirvana. When you want it harder, ask for it.

At the end of the day, your partner wants to hear you and feel you. Make sure you don't get too caught up with your sexy dialogue that you forget to listen to their needs.

Happy humping!

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