The walk of shame, the stride of pride. Call it what you want, it's the same thing at the end of the day. The act of trying to hide what you were up to last night, whilst looking like someone just vomited you back up and all while wearing little to no clothes. The walk of shame is something that a large chunk of people will partake in at some point in their lives, so to aid you on your travels, here is how to make the walk of shame a little less shameful. Happy humping.
1) Wash Away The Smell Of Shame
Upon waking up in a strangers house, you're likely to smell of alcohol, kebabs, curry, sweat and sex. Which, separately are delicious enough and all, but add them together and you've got yourself a recipe for elders tutting at you. So, to avoid any further shame, just jump in your riding buddy's shower and scrub it all away, or failing the availability of showering facilities, just layer on the deodorant. Mmmmmm fresh.
2) Clean Your Smutty Face
Whatever you're thinking right now, I assure you, you're way off the mark, you dirty divil you. What I mean when I tell you to clean your smutty face, is to rid yourself of the panda rings, orange foundation and joker like lips that insist on clinging to your oh so hungover and shameful face. Bare faced and beautiful.
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3) Wear Clothes That Do Not Qualify As Lingerie
Bet you're regretting that arse skimming, sequinned gúna now. If only you'd listened to your Mammy and put a pair of damned tights on, we would not be facing this problem. So here's what to do. Root around the piles of clothing that are likely to be surrounding you, find the largest pair of trousers/ t-shirt/ onesie that you possibly can and then slip gracefully into it. Now run. Run away.
4) Vanish Away Any Suspicious Looking Stains
Whether you were still dressed and/ or lying on your clothing whilst engaging in whatever kinky acts you were engaging in, then you're likely to come away (no pun intended) with some suspicious looking markings. Do not and I repeat DO NOT leave the house looking like this, get yourself the the nearest sink and scrub like you have never scrubbed before. Have at least some pride.
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5) Departure Time Is Key
Leave super early and the bin men and joggers will target you with their laser eyes, leave too late and the whole world will target you with their laser eyes. After sunrise and before school time is the safest bet. Minimal human traffic.
6) Avoid Places You're Likely To Run Into Friends Or Family
Nothing could make this whole ordeal any less mortifying, oh wait, is that your Aunt over there? Oh I was wrong. I've now sank lower than I ever thought it was possible to sink. Should have just followed my own sound advice and walked in the very opposite, most backward direction. Preferably whilst wearing large sunglasses.
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7) Avoid Public Transport
Today is not the day to hop on the bus. Any day but today. Stick your arm out and get a damn taxi. Minimal contact with the general public, plus it's the fastest way of getting back to the safe recess that is your own bed. Winning.
8) Wear Headphones
This does two things. The first is that it makes you look casual. Casual in a sort of, 'oh I intended to look this slutty and disheveled', way The second is that it helps you to block out the world of judgement surrounding you. What I cannot hear, does not exist.
9) Walk With Purpose And Confidence
What is the easiest way to spot a walk of shamer? Aside from the wafts of drink and sex, crumpled clothes and look of regret, that is. They'll be the ones walking head down, avoiding eye contact with everyone and anyone that comes into their eyeline. So, to counteract that, just stroll with your head held high, be confident, be assured, be grateful you got some last night. It's not called the stride of pride for nothing, after all. Own it.
