4 Sequels That Should Be Made

Ben Kiely

Sequels, they’re rarely as good as the original and usually only serve as a tax on the mindless movie-going masses. I’m not saying that you’re all stupid, just most of you. Three Transformers movies can’t be wrong!

You made this happen... You bastards.

What if the big wig Hollywood directors decided to change things up a bit? What if instead of knocking out any old predictable cack that passes for a follow up movie they decide to make slight changes to the original film to make a second effort that’s some way decent? They could also make it a little bit different to what the audience might be expecting. For example, I honestly think that as a generation, we’re better than Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. (Spoiler Alert: at the end money sleeps.)

Anyway, here’s a list of a few sequels I’d pitch to the likes of Chris Nolan and M. Night Shyama... actually no, God no! Definitely not him... eh Polanski? Whoa! Just Googled Polanski, I’d prefer not to work with him. Clint Eastwood’s good. Chris Nolan and Clint Eastwood would do. Let’s hope Eastwood survives the winter to make a couple of these bad boys. So lets take a look at 4 films that could be so much more...

1. Trong: The Prequel

I’ve only got a vague idea of the plot of the original film because a) I haven’t seen it and b) I fell asleep during Tron: Legacy. Twice. It was just awful. From what I gathered from my intermittent consciousness it is set in a computer where the hero competes in a sort of neon bike race.

Well as we know, computers have vastly improved in recent years so I thought, how about we take things back to basics and write a story around the original video game, pong? It will basically be a two hour game of pong, in RealD of course. It would be way more exciting than Tron: Legacy. (Listen, they can’t all be gold. I’m just easing you in.)

2. Bourne Again Christian

Cheer up! Have you not heard the good news?

The Bourne Legacy is one of the most eagerly anticipated movies of 2012 but judging by the trailers it’s going to be a pretty bog standard Bourne film. Guy doesn’t know what’s happening. Guy finds some information. Guy snaps necks. I've read a few of the Bourne books and although I'm basing this on absolutely nothing but I think Robert Ludlum wanted Jason Bourne (not this new joker) to trade in his Beretta for a bible and join the priesthood.

I've broke bread... Now I'm gonna break you.

Obviously he’d still be snapping necks but I quite like the idea of Bourne using improvised weapons that were originally intended to save souls to literally send cunts to their maker. The possibilities are endless. He could drown fuckers in baptismal fonts, smother them with the altar cloth, choke them with rosary beads and bludgeon them with bibles, crucifixes and those holy water yokes that look like maces. It would get a whole new generation interested in Mass. I would certainly feel more comfortable being told how to live my life by a priest who’s killed a few guys than by a priest who... well we all know what they've been up to.

3. Schindler’s List 2: He’s Checking It Twice

Again, I haven’t actually seen this film but from what I’m told it’s about Oskar Schindler who has list of Jewish people who he saves from the Nazis or something like that. Wow, I do more research when signing players on Football Manager.

Anyway, what if Oskar checks his list again, years after the war ends and realises that a few of the people he freed had screwed him over before the war began and goes on killing spree to exact revenge on them. “Goldberg? That fucker never once sent me a happy birthday post on Facebook. Berkowitz? He drives a Prius now. Weinberg? I always thought his lawn was tacky.”

Somehow I don’t think this film will be made.

4. My Left Nut

Many of you will have Daniel Day Lewis portray Christy Brown, the lad with cerebral palsy and a left foot that was sweeter than Robin Van Persie’s. Well, what if in modern times another genius emerges except god touched this guy in a different place? God touched his left testicle.

I’m not really sure what extraordinary things one could do with a bullock. Maybe he paints with it, maybe he whisks eggs with it or maybe he’s the conkers world champion. I’ll leave it up to the writers. I think what we need to lift our spirits in these times of economic turmoil is a magical scrotum on the big screen.

Follow Ben on Twitter @thejivemaster.