SPOILER ALERT: Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 Spoiler-Filled Review
No one likes a movie review that doesn't tell you anything about the movie, so let's just cut to the chase: we have a Guardians of the Galaxy 2 spoiler review for you today that is honest, not dull and will give you what you want: spoilers, because who can actually be fecked seeing movies nowadays? Not you.
Without further adieu, here's my Guardians of the Galaxy 2 spoiler review:
Having read some reviews before seeing the sequel to the crazy popular original Guardians of the Galaxy movie, I wasn't sure what to think. Did people love or hate it? It was hard to say. The general consensus was it wasn't better per se, but it wasn't worse. Hmmmm. I decided to go in with no expectations and I have to say, I was pretty damn happy with what I saw.
We left the Guardians back in 2014 and tbh all I remember of the ending was they hugged and Groot was all tiny and stuff. Vol. 2 starts where we left off, renting themselves out to people who need 'em so they're killing an inter-dimensional monster for the Sovereign, an artificially created golden race who look like supermodels who just unveiled an ultra-highlight range.
Peter Quill/Star Lord (Chris Pratt), Drax (Dave Bautista), Rocket (Bradley Cooper) and Gamora (Zoe Saldana) are still all bickering adorably as they attack this huge monster thing. Long story short: Gamora saves the day by killing the monster but LOL, Drax stupidly thinks he did it by cutting the beast from the inside out (logic). They all roll their eyes.
As payment, the Guardians get to keep the (not at all fucked up) sister of Gamora, Nebula (Karen Gillan), which Gamora is totally not stoked about. She shackles her in the ship and Nebula says once she's released, she'll kill G. G says no way, Jose, you're gonna be in jail for the rest of your life, wishing you could. Ouch.
We then find out Rocket has stolen some pretty expensive batteries from the sexy golden people and they're mad. Cue spaceships following the Guardians, causing them to crash despite Chris Pratt being behind the wheel. It's the worst and I cried. Thankfully, this tragedy has an unexpected outcome: Peter's dad Ego has been able to find him, hurray! And he's Kurt Russell! Double yay. Ego says "Hey son, come to my planet where I definitely won't do anything bad to you!" and Peter is all like "That sounds safe" so Star Lord, Gamora and Drax go ahead and get on this weird rotten egg looking spaceship and fly to Ego's planet. If that isn't a metaphor, I don't know what is.
Insert a scene where Yondu (blue evil guy from the last movie, you might know him as Merle from the Walking Dead), is on some sexy (I'm gonna say sexy a lot, get used to it) planet that's like a cross between Vegas and the red light district and he sees Sylvester Stallone. He fangirls, only to be hideously rejected, probably because he can enunciate words. I still have no idea what Sly said.
Back to the gang and they're on a wild acid trip Ego's planet. It's pretty amazing. I especially love Drax in a scene where he tells this very cute lil snail girl that she's disgusting. You had to be there. There's also this really adorable scene where Yondu and Rocket are in jail and Baby Groot has to find Yondu's fin to get him out of there. Groot speaks little to no English so he goes back and forth getting random shit until he finds the fin. If you recall this scene to people who've actually seen the movie, they'll believe you were right there in the cinema with them.
OK anyway, we need to wrap this up. Long story short and I mean looong story short: Ego tells Peter he's been looking for him for ages, and he loved Peter's mother sooo much. Peter asks the very obvious question of why he left if he loved his mum so much and he makes up some fuckboi lies, before revealing a bit later in the film that actually he impregnated all these beasts from all these planets (very funny/sad visuals included) but Peter was the only child that was passed down his magical powers. There's this gruesome shot of a graveyard of Ego's dead kids too. So Peter is PISSED and the gang has to figure out a way to get to Ego's brain centre and stop him before he takes over the universe due to being super smart and millions of years old (that's not an exaggeration). Ego is understandably really angry too and turns into David Hasselhoff to prove a point. I am not making this up. Oh and he tells Peter he put the tumour in his mum's brain 'cause he couldn't be arsed going back to Earth again. What.
This is Baby Groot's time to shine, and the lil twig puts the bomb in Ego's brain centre then runs away just in time for it to explode. Peter and Yondu are left behind and he realises that even though Yondu was a terrible pseudo-Daddy, he was a dad nonetheless. Then Yondu dies. Shiiit.
It's a big ol' crying fest but all is well 'cause Sylvester Stallone forgives Yondu for being a fangirl/general douchebag and all his old friends give him a space funeral. Cuuute.
The movie ends with Peter getting a new 'Zune' iPod thing that can hold 300 songs on it! Jaysus. Gamora stops being a biatch for 5 seconds and looks lovingly at fatherless Peter. Aw.
The end.
Other things you need to know to make it seem like you saw the movie:
- The soundtrack wasn't as good as the first #controversial
- There's some side plots like Gamora and Nebula - they used to fight each other when they were younger to survive? and Gamora would win so Nebula's dad would rip her body parts off and insert robotic replacements. Also Gamora and Peter have an 'unspoken thing' as he calls it but never kiss, thank God
- Baby Groot is the best thing in this movie
- As is Drax with his stupidly hilarious one liners
I change my stance: knowing all this, you should still probably see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 because it's very cool and a lot better than I've described.