On a Scale from Taylor Swift to Jay Z: How 'Black' Are You?

So the whole fiasco with this Rachel Dolezal (White Woman who identifies as being black) one has got me thinking of my poor Caucasian friends who also may want a piece of this 'Black Action'. I mean who doesn't love getting harassed by the cops and strictly have to follow cliche stereotypes...banter for the whole family right? However, if you truly are an honest fan of black culture in a non Dolezian way and have wondered for many a moon where your place on the metaphorical black totem poll is, today I present you with an answer. For each question you answer "Yes" to, that's one gold star. At the end of the game you add up your gold stars and find out once and for all how black you REALLY are.

Disclaimer: This is only a bit of satire lads, please don't get offended. I love all people, except  those rotten stinking fish people. They're all scaly and gross ew.

Are You Fan of HipHop?

No no my friend, I'm not talking about listening to the odd Macklemore song as you cycle to work on your little hipster bike. Nah Homie I'm talking about bumping to the likes of Nas or Tupac as you go to the welfare office to collect a cheque...because you know all black people are on welfare, duh.

Are You Amazing at Sports?

"Cmon you're telling me you're not the captain of your basketball team?! But you're black". Everyone knows that black people are just naturally super muscular. If you wanna rock with us black kids, you gotta be a master of the sports my man. You need to crush it at football, be in beast mode on the Rugby pitch and even be a killer on the golf course. Although never play cricket, because cricket is for white people...supposedly?

Are You Well Endowed?

Okay I'll admit it, I kinda like this one hehe. Nah but seriously if you want to be black, every girl you sleep with has to be in a wheelchair post sex because that's how we..... *wait for it*.... roll

Can You Dance?

Boy quit shuffling, what I'm asking is if you can post a move. A little pop and locking and for the females in the audience you HAAAAVE to be able to twerk, gowan gurl shake that butt! You have to be adept at the whole bump and grind otherwise you're not really black; Says who you ask? society that's who

Are You Fast?

I'm not saying you have to better than Usain Bolt, just be on the same level. Cmon bro you have to be quick, I mean how else are you supposed to evade the cops as they chase you for seemingly no reason other than the fact that you're wearing a hoodie. I mean, in their defence, hoodies are a definite fashion no no.

Do You Like 'Black Food?'

I'm talking chicken, I'm talking pig feet (Yes, did you not know that all black people love pig feet, gosh darn it man, do your research). Oh top it off with some gravy and grits, maybe have a couple bacon pits on top of the salad to make it extra unhealthy. Anyone else kinda hungry?

Are You Cool?

You my friend have to be the coolest of cool cats. You gotta play the base. You gotta use the vernacular and your "IG has to be on fleek yo". When you and the squad roll up you gotta just ooze swag. And yes you have to sag your pants otherwise how are the other gangs gonna see the gun you have holstered in your jocks?

Are You A Fan of The Boondocks or Empire?

Ah yes the two universal black shows. While admittedly they're actually both quite amazing and cleverly written, you're only allowed to like them based on the fact that they're made by black people. What, you liked the shows just because it was good? pffft whitey.

Are You Oppressed ?

To be black you HAVE to be oppressed, that's black person 101. I don't care if you came from a wealthy family and have a bunch of loving and supportive people around you; It doesn't matter. To be truly black your life has to be all about the 'struggle' and how the white man is trying to keep you down.

0 = You need some blackness in your life
1-3 = You have some black qualities
4-5 =  You're getting there but you have to try harder.
6 = You're a bit of an Iggy Azalea. You're trying but really need to commit.
7 = You're about to drop your debut mixtape
8 = You're Eminem status. The hood has accepted you as one of their own
9 = You're a fully fledged member of the "Dark Side"