A Zoo Wants To Name A Snake After Your Ex For Valentine's Day
One of the key tenets of the teachings of Jesus Christ was to 'turn the other cheek' in the face of adversity and censure. He taught forgiveness and implored people to rise above petty tribulations and disputes and instead focus on their shared humanity. He taught that, though the allure of revenge may seem strong, though it may seem appealing, its succour would prove hollow and ultimately more damaging. He taught that true salvation and contentment lay in compassion and reconciliation, even when it may seem unpalatable.
However, while this may have all been well and good 2,000 years ago, no one back then would've ever had to contend with seeing an ex, who you'd been going out with for several years, immediately dive into some new rebound relationship and plaster pictures all over social media with the specific intention of throwing two fingers to you. Compassion and forgiveness can only stretch so far.
As such, I feel that, were Jesus alive today, his teachings would be slightly different. Rather than asking us to 'turn the other cheek' in the face of such galling adversity, he would instead say 'Wow, see if you can name a snake after that person so everyone can know how snakey they are.'... I imagine He might also express his surprise at why you spent three years in a relationship with someone who was evidently so weirdly vengeful and unstable, but that is beside the point.
Well, thankfully, a zoo in Sydney is helping this wish to be fulfilled. Sydney Zoo are offering you the chance to name a brown snake, one of the world's most venomous, after your most heinous ex. To have your ex's villainy immortalised/commemorated for as long as this brown snake lives, all you need to do is click this link, make a $1 donation toward the WILD LIFE Conservation Fund and tell them in 25 words or less why the snake deserves to be named after your ex.
If at this point you are wondering, "Hmm, I can't really think of anything any ex of mine has ever done that would warrant me endeavouring for a snake, that resides on the other side of the world, to be named after them in some grand act of humiliation". Then that is probably for one of either two reasons; either you are actually a quite pleasant, reasonable person who has ended things amicably with previous partners and is therefore not filled with a bitter lust for vengeance, or you're the one who has done the shitty things in all previous relationships. If the latter applies to you, then expect to see an Australian snake baptised in your name at some point soon.