10 Ways Your Parents F*ck You Up...

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad./ They may not mean to, but they do.” These are the wise words of Philip Larkin from his poem This Be The Verse, the one deemed too hot for your Leaving Cert curriculum. Sure they give you life, but they also ruin it, like handing you a deliciously creamy cake only to smash it right in your crap-lousy kisser.

There are a few ways parents emotionally and psychologically scar their children. Here's how your parents f*ck you up...

Passing On Faults

Not only through genetics, but through nurture as well. Enjoy that hairline while it lasts... and also make good use of that habit you picked up from your dad, using intimidation to coerce others. Charming.

Lie To You

Remember the carefree days of childhood, when you looked forward to the arrival of the Tooth Fairy and Santa? Remember when you discovered their stories were nothing but filthy, filthy lies? When you learned that parents everywhere are involved in an actual conspiracy to blind children from the truth. The Illuminati exist, ladies and gentlemen... they're your parents.

Exposure To The Limelight

Macaulay Culkin and Miley Cyrus. No, not Hollywood's most improbable couple, but two very damaged individuals who've got serious issues from being pushed into showbiz at a young age. As their childhood earnings filled their parents' absurdly fat wallets, these kids were essentially being whored out by their own folks... Shit'll fuck you up.

Letting A Kid Quit

Letting a kid just quit something without giving it a proper try can set a dangerous precedent. This is how whiners are born. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, and if this course of action is allowed to be repeated, the kid will come to think they can just walk away from anything. It's parents like those in question who caused Robbie to leave Take That (thoughtless bastards).

Daddy Issues

It's a thing. Particularly notable in girls, but affects guys too. Caused by the absence of a strong male presence in a kid's life, which leads them to seek validation from a father figure elsewhere in life. Or some shit like that. In boys, this can lead to an unhealthy desire to seek approval from male role models in their lives. In girls, it stereotypically leads to loads of ridin'. Basically, if you've got unresolved daddy issues, you're gonna be as needy as a bag of orphans.

Vicarious Living

You know the kind, those parents who wanted to be rich or famous but never made it, and now their kid has to... or else. Look at Tiger Woods' dad. Tiger grew up to be one of the greatest golfers ever, if not the greatest, but also turned out to be an unbelievable tosser (aka cheating dirtbag). Oh, you think his father's living vicariously through Tiger had nothing to do with it? Imagine being told all your life that you're the world's greatest, that you literally deserved everything you wanted... Of course he cheated on his wife, his ego is the size of one of Jupiter's moons.

Spoiling

If Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory taught us anything, it's that if you spoil your stupid brat kids they will invariably die in a freak chocolate factory accident. Or something like that. Kids need to know they can't have everything, people who think this will either become crushingly disappointed with life or a dictator.

Ignoring

The opposite end of the spectrum. Not receiving attention from one's parents can lead to low self-esteem. The ignored kid will perceive their own value as extremely low, because their own parents don't seem to give a shit about them. This causes a person to shrink and become invisible. Unfortunately though, only metaphorically.

Oedipus Complex

Freud was the father of modern psychiatry and an absolute filth-peddler. The man could not stop thinking about sex, to the point where he thought little kids wanted to bone their own mums. This theory is called the Oedipus complex. However, a more recent take on Freud's theory puts a different spin on it, claiming it's the father who projects this incestuous desire onto his child and regards the kid as a rival for the mother's affection. That's right kids, your father is cock-blocking you... from your mother.

Brainwash You

I'm not just talking about parents who make their kids join a cult, I'm referring to any parents who force you to accept their beliefs. For example, evolutionary biologist and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins says that forcing your children to accept your religion is tantamount to child abuse, because they're clearly too young to make an informed decision about the nature of the fucking universe. 

Leave me alone, Mom. You don't understand me.