9 Typical Elements Of An Irish Lad's Night Out

1. Pre-Gaming Banter

The troops are rounded up at 'one of the lad's gaffs', whose parents are either absent or incredibly sound. Any flamboyant clothing will be labelled 'gay' despite ironically being extra effort made to impress the girls.

2. On The Bus: Carefully Pouring Your Naggin Into A Coke Bottle

Pouring a naggin into a coke bottle while travelling in a moving vehicle is a delicate process.You don't want to put too much in, but whatever's left may have to be downed later on. If it spills, it will look like you've wet your pants, and this will be pointed out to you.

3. In The Queue: Sobering Up For The Bouncers

REMEMBER: You're cool, calm and haven't been drinking heavily in the previous hour.  You're Samuel L Jackson in Shaft who has his passport ready, and can remember his date of birth.

4. At The Bar: Desperately Trying To Get The Barman's Attention

The barman's customer service hinges on how lovely your cleavage is, an attribute sadly lacking in ourselves.

5. On The Dance Floor: The Mating Ritual Gone Horribly Wrong

We find ourselves dancing to music WE HATE because girls are within a ten metre radius. Our moves are either  a) Dancing as normally as possible to avoid embarassment, or b) Overly sarcastic to poke fun at the situation.  Suddenly, a One Direction song comes on and we continue dancing. What have we become? Is there any other way?

6. Continued Dancing: The 'Half-Two-You'll-Do' Shift

Desperate times call for desperate measures as the 2:30 ultimatum for 'getting the shift' arrives. Standards plummet, things get messy, french kissing is done in a way France and any other country would find deplorable. Triumphant lads emerge having 'gotten the shift', some not so lucky, but God loves a trier.

7. ??????????????????????????

Erm, we can't remember much about this part. What was I doing then? Maybe this is where all my money went??

8.The Nitelink Home: A Human Zoo On Wheels

The journey home is not pleasant.  The best thing to do here is remain calm, ignore the people at the back singing The Backstreet Boys, watch out for puke on the floor, and above all: DO NOT FALL ASLEEP AND MISS YOUR STOP!

9. The Morning After: The Mother Of All Hangovers

OH SWEET LORD THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL!!! Now the idea of spending the night at home watching Brendan O'Connor with your Mammy doesn't seem so bad. But same time next week lads eh?