Have You Ever Been Guilty? Abuse, Consent & Sexual Manipulation

OK, sexual abuse is a problem in society and it seems to stem from serious lack of information on what exactly sexual consent is. Last week rape allegations were made against a prominent YouTuber and former Big Brother contestant Sam Pepper after he posted a video of himself groping random women’s asses. This video received a lot of backlash and has since been removed. He tried to better the situation by saying it was a ‘social experiment’ to highlight male harassment but no one seems to have believed that. Probably because it’s bullshit. A person came forward anonymously to voice her experience with him: i.e. rape. This has sparked numerous confessions on Tumblr and YouTube about the same YouTuber and others.

Earlier in the year numerous prominent British and American YouTubers were also ‘outed’ as sexually manipulative, coercive, and being rapists. A masterpost of all of the allegations was put together over the year and is updated regularly. All those who were outed were male but to be clear sexual abuse can happen to anyone, no matter what gender or sexual orientation you are.

Today one of the accused, Alex Day, posted a video on YouTube telling his side of the story. He goes into relative detail and does apologise. However, he complains that he has been lumped in with those who have committed more heinous crimes, saying that the numerous posts about him give proof by quantity. He claims his actions were blown out of proportion. Ed Blann, another member of the accused, posted a song where he doesn't apologize but sings about how his life is shit now and no one will be his friend (or buy his music). I'd link their videos but they'd monetize on those views.

Day states that he is grateful for his experience. That he has changed his outlook and wants to be a better man. But how much of a coincidence is it that he – not an alleged rapist but an alleged abuser – comes forward with his side when more allegations of rape and statutory rape have been made against other YouTubers?

Many are lobbying for YouTubers to be removed from the website and blocked from the internet. I feel like this is an impossible goal. YouTube allows anyone to post videos. You shouldn’t need to pass an inspection. If you don’t want to watch the videos or support these people because they have been enormous tools then don’t. But accept that there are others who will not agree with you. Abusers should not be put on pedestals. Just because you love a certain YouTuber, or any kind of celebrity or person of influence: enjoy their content and feel like they’re there for you when no one else is (and they’re super funny and so totally cute) you still do not know them! They could kill kittens in their spare time and you wouldn’t know about it. When presented with inescapable proof of a fact some will ignore it for the happier version that exists in their mind. Everyone has opinions. Not everyone will agree with you.

Maybe we all need a refresher, or perhaps a first time education on sexual consent:

1

If someone says ‘No’ then you back off, back down, put your pants back on. End of discussion. If you continue to try to do something or attempt to convince her/him then you are a prick. They are not into it. Get over it. Sex is so much better when both parties want to be there, so if you have any inkling that the other person is in any way hesitant to you putting your bits with their bits, back the fuck off. Enthusiasm is what you should want with sex, not guilt or shame. How does that even appeal to you?

2

There’s an age of consent for a reason. If you were around when Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys were a thing, someone who has One Direction posters on their wall is too young for you to have sex with. The age of consent differs from country to country and state to state, so be aware of it. And don’t think of it as a restriction. There are plenty of attractive people over the age of consent that will probably want to have sex with you. It is so easy to not have sex with a fifteen year old. I do it every day. If the person you have lusty feelings for is underage then you have the responsibility to look out for them. To show them some respect and not be the selfish one.

3

Check in every once in a while. See the other person as just that: an individual, not a tool or your sexual perusal. Ask them if everything is okay. If they want to do stuff and you want to do stuff (and neither of you are under the influence of anything) then go ahead and get down.

4

Sex is not something that anyone owes anyone else. If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to have sex. If you want to have sex, go find someone who wants to have sex with you. Flirting with someone, or going on a date with someone is not an invitation to do the no pants dance.

5

Do not feel guilty if you change your mind. Things change. Emotions change. That’s fine. If you were down to go down earlier but suddenly you're not so into it, then don't. Do not hide your feelings in favour of whoever you’re with. They are not worth more than you. We were all created equal. It just seems that some think they’re better than everyone else and they’re the problem, not you.

6

If you cannot get legal consent from someone, then their consent is not valid. If they’re too drunk, and you take advantage that’s abuse. If they wake up the next day not okay with the situation, you’re screwed – no pun intended. If they are underage they cannot give consent, you're royally fucked. If you feel like you manipulated someone into having sex with you, then you my friend, are guilty of sexual misconduct. If you feel that you were manipulated to have sex with someone, then you are a victim of sexual misconduct. Educate yourself.

On a last note, if someone is taken advantage of then they deserve our respect, support and sympathy. Some people are so focused on blaming the victim (‘She shouldn't have gone to his house if she didn't want anything to happen’, ‘she was asking for it with that outfit’). There is already an abuser present, someone who has committed a crime. You don’t blame a victim of stabbing for getting stabbed. And those that sympathize with the accused (‘everyone makes mistakes’), you are part of the problem.

I'll just leave this here...