Commitment-Phobic People
We'd like to discuss that awkward moment when you realise you are dating an actual commitment-phobic person.
Let's flesh this story out and flashback to Freshers week 2012. John* and you kissed over cans of Bavaria outside the Pav. That first kiss led to thereon punctuating your entire first year with kisses on every night out, entire weekends spent together, and many a missed lectures spent in bed in his scummy flat on Mount Joy Square. It all seemed perfect.
About two months in when you went to have 'the conversation' assuming all would turn out well and that becoming 'official' was just a formality, he told you that he's just not ready for a relationship. You see there's an ex that completely messed him up and now he just wants to take things slow.
The mind-screwing begins and continues for the next six months. It just doesn't make sense. He seems to have an excuse for everything but within you, you're well aware something's up. The male, and indeed female commitment-phobe is not a new thing.
All emotionally unavailable people seem like nice guys........but those who get involved with them live in denial and either ignore all the red flags or they see them but still think they can change the situation. The following are common traits.
1. Friends/Family
You haven’t met each other’s friends and family. Commitment-phobes are just not able to be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life. You won’t know what their family life is like and you probably won’t get to know their friends that well. They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don’t have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can’t meet their friends. At first it will seem really romantic as they wants to spend time with just you.
2. Charming
They’re attentive and charming when you’re together. Commitment-phobes move in fast. They use their charm and learned social skills to pursue you until they win you over. Once they have you, the less attractive parts of their personality start to show and they start to back off knowing inevitably they will soon be moving on.
3. Crazy
You feel crazy. The Commitment-phobe finds a way to blame you for the situation you find yourselves in and you start doubting yourself and wonder if you are the crazy one. They will find a way to make it seem as if you are being difficult. If you confront them, they won’t want to talk about it.
4. Control Freak
Planning time with you is a form of commitment to you. The Commitment-phobe is going to be uncomfortable if you take charge of how the two of you spend your time. As part of normal conduct they're going to want to stay in control of what the two of you do spending time together. If they do agree to do something you want to do, typically they will be late or cancel at the last minute. Beware of how they respond to seemingly normal meetings with your family and close friends. Expect them to most likely balk and be unavailable. The true phobic may even find a way of making you feel like you are being excessively demanding.
5. A.D.D
Lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend or boyfriend. They can almost make themselves seem some sort of hero for not wasting his or her time and such.
Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic people will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man or woman, don’t let it suck up all your potentially fun filled college years.. Move on.
Discuss...!
Do you have any experience dealing with commitment-phobes in relationship?