The Emotional Rollercoaster Every Girl Goes Through When She's Late...
No man can ever fully understand the heart-stopping moment when you realise that you're four days late. Sure, they'll turn pale, the sweat beads will begin to form on their brow and thoughts of shitty nappies and lost lads holidays will go to die, but then, they're not the ones praying to the highest order for blood to form and cripple us. Wankers. It's basically all their fault anyway. Here's the emotional rollercoaster every girl goes through when she's late;
1) Denial
There's no possible way that this could even be a thing. At least, that's your story and you're sticking with it. Three days barely even constitutes a bad dream, never mind the sweaty palm, good time blocking shitstorm you're currently battling your way through. No, no, no. I must have just gotten my dates wrong. Or been so stressed that I somehow forgot to notice that I was stressed. That explains it.
2) Sheer Disbelief
Ok, so it's now been four days and if I DID believe that something very terrible was at play then I'd be worrying, but luckily for me, I'm pretty confident that there's a perfectly good explanation for all of this carry on. Like a bad case of the heebie-jeebies or seeing a ghost in your cereal, once the truth comes out, I'll throw my head back and lol at how foolish I was to even consider such terrible things. LOL.
3) Anger, Such Anger
Right, so five days yeah? This is getting to be a bit of a piss-take at this stage. At first I saw the whole point of it, a kind of 'safety matters' wake up call, like turbulence on a plane or swerving in a car or seeing your ex from a safe distance when you look like shit. I understood by day two that I should always be safe and from this point on, I promise you, I will. Now bestow upon me my period before I lose my actual mind. Or kick something. Probably in that order.
4) In Desperate Need Of Reassurance
It's time to break out the big guns. You need to take a load off your worry saturated mind, it's time for some friend counselling. You gather up your nearest and dearest like hens about to be ear slaughtered and assault them with questions and worries and wonderings as to why it is that your menstrual cycle isn't up to date. They won't know. What they will tell you though, is of all the times when they too were late and see, they aren't bearing children. It'll be fine.
5) Panic
It won't be fine. In fact, it'll be anything but fine. You're screwed. You are now six days late. You should be at the finish line of your period by now and instead, you're eagerly awaiting those cramps, spots and mood swings, paracetamol in one hand, box of tampons in the other. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You can't think or do anything but plan for the moment when you're sure that you've essentially just ruined your entire life.
6) Self Hatred
What the hell were you thinking? You've heard the warnings. You've seen many's a crusty baby's face. It should have been enough. But then passion took hold and you lost all good strong common sense, all in the name of some lovin'. What an utter idiot, how could I do this to myself? *Internally screams*
7) Acceptance Of Your Doomed Fate
I've made my bed and now I must lie, weep and raise a child in it. You feel screwed over in every sense of the word. Why do awful things happen to moderately decent people? What have I ever done in my messy, half lived life to deserve something like this? Had unprotected sex, I reckon. But then, from nowhere, when you've all but given up hope, you feel as though your stomach is squeezing and your boobs are heavy. Could it...Is it really? YES, WE'RE NOT PREGNANT!