Fear And Loathing... How To #Deal With College Life
Dealing… Something one strives to master at some point in life. It is said that the phenomenon of “dealing” along with its arch-enemy “notdealing” has troubled man since the dawn of time. 231.4 million years ago, even dinosaurs had to learn to deal with daily dinosaur problems such as: “what if I become extinct…what even am I..??”. Then the cavemen had their own not-dealings like “how can I attract a mate when my fire is always the shitest fire of them all at cave-party-night”. Then we have ourselves today when thanks to the great achievements and creations of mankind (electricity, technology, airplanes, chilli heatwave Doritos, insomnia hot chocolates..) #notdealing is at an all-time high. However, do not fear all current notdealers out there, here are a few tips to help you #deal easier in life…
How to deal with ‘The Fear’
Ever since 2,000BC when the first alcoholic beverage was discovered, man has at one point in his life come across ‘The Fear’. It is inevitable to experience ‘The Fear’ at least once in life in order to know one’s true limits. As a warning to those who have not yet experienced ‘The Fear’-when it happens it comes without warning and there is absolutely no control over the events that cause it as you are not you during these events… rather an extreme version of the weirdest, worst part of your personality… think of a Beyoncé versus a strange messy Sasha Fierce. The best way to get over the fear is to firstly ring a friend who was with you during your fear-causing antics to have a good LOL at it all, and then on a more serious note find out if apologies or certain things need to be said or taken. Secondly, set aside a few hours and step away from reality to sleep, watch a few episodes of your favourite series (animal documentaries highly recommended as you will realise that no matter what you’ve done, chances of being eaten by a lion are still quite low, therefore life= not so bad), and eat your life away in carbs. Finally, resurface from your hermit zone some time later that evening to have a nice shower and feel human again, although likelihood is that you are still quite fragile so perhaps watch a feel good movie like Toy Story to re-instil your faith in yourself and mankind.
Relationships and dealing…
- When he/she’s just not that into you
Ah yes, unrequited love… the thing we all obsess over with Phd standard detective research (commonly known as extreme creeping). When all that you do in life triggers a thought of them : wonder what he/she would think of this, should I text him/her about it, has she/he clicked ‘going’ on that event yet… NOOOO STOP THE MADNESS!!!! Remember that you are the leading man/woman in the film that is your life and if said person has not realised the temple of awesomeness that is YOU then they simply don’t deserve you and are not the Ben to your Jerry. Although in order to reach this mind-frame it is recommended to invest in the real men that are Ben and Jerry... By this I mean ice cream.
- When he/she is too into you
Aha indeed the reverse to the above… firstly it is not your fault that you do not like this person, or that this person likes you (unless of course you have been consciously leading them on, if so then shame on you and may the karma chameleon be sent your way). Sometimes for whatever reason, the universe half matches people so that one ends up hurt. Times like these are learning experiences for both sides: one to be wary of their heart and not fall so easily, and for the other to be conscious of the others feelings and treat them purely as a friend and in no way give ANY other impression. If you are the Esmerelda in this situation, never ever ever buy your Quasimodo Ben and Jerrys, as this could in fact be seen as an exchange of true love.
- When he/she is actually into you but neither of you can deal.
What is worse than one person not-dealing, is two people not-dealing. Together, their not-dealing-ness creates a great big cloud of un-deal-ability. It can be quite annoying to be an onlooker/friend in this situation as you can see the potential love and combined greatness that could be between these two non-dealers. What is important to remember here is that the not-dealing is all due to the absolute fact that you LIKE LIKE eachother, so one of you (and this may be YOU) will have to be the Ironman (absolute hero..) in this situation and just go for it to save what could be, because you will NEVER know if you don’t give it a go, and hey YOLO! … could not resist rhyming…
How to deal with assignments and exams...
When one is in the depths of this valley where prospects of freedom, a day of movie marathons, or not wearing tracksuit bottoms seem like things of mythology, please look up into the light and see that the end will come soon and that all the work you’re doing is in fact helping future smarter #winningatlife you. Life in this dark place is made easier with a ‘treat-system’ in place, where for example 500 word paragraph = half hour of Made in Chelsea, or all referencing complete= 1 Chinese take out. It is also known that there is an unlimited supply of tea/coffee/any energy drink available at all times, along with a constant showing of TED talks and motivational videos on YouTube. In the end, it's all what you make of it, so remember, breaks are great and necessary for all, and as your mother says- fresh air WILL do you good.
How to deal with prospect of ‘The Real World’ approaching
Oh college life… how great you are. Looking back on it, it will become a blur of late night cramming, student discounts, tea and coffee dates, extreme procrastination, classes, and banterful yet hazy nights out. Final year may feel like the absolute end of an era but I’ll have you know that it’s not all so ‘final’ at all. There is no ultimate rule of life that one must know at 22 what one wants to do for one’s whole life, the important thing is to try to do what makes you happy and interests you. What you believed in 15 years ago (like the belief that Barbie would stay with you forever) is not what you believe in or necessarily even like now (like who even is Barbie today….bit of a hunzo trying to be everyone else..? Princess Barbie, Entrepreneur Barbie, etc...), it’s difficult to finally decide what to be (even Barbie doesn’t know and she’s been around 55 years!). Who knows, maybe after back-packing through Asia you’ll find your true calling as a Zen master. Enjoy those student discounts and general college banter (not many real world companies have established ultimate frisbee and horse racing clubs etc..) as you shall be entering the university of real life soon enough and shall be attending forever. In the wise words of Dr Seuss: ‘You have brains in your head, You have feet in your shoes, You can steer yourself any direction you choose…’ a man who definitely knew how to deal, so happy dealing to you!