The Girls Guide To Getting The Shift On A Night Out
Ladies, it's not always easy to doll yourselves up, dust yourselves off and find yourselves a man. But fear not, as we here at College Times have spared you the heartache and lonely nights by providing you with the ultimate guide to getting the shift on a night out.
Heels
Wear high heels, because the taller you are the more attractive you shall become. Also be sure to take out insurance on your ankles. Better wear a helmet too in case of low ceilings.
Make Up
Lots and lots of it. If you would like to know exactly how much you should apply, do it until your family doesn't recognise you anymore, and then add a little more after that.
Dancing
Don't be too cool to bust a few moves on the dancefloor. It shows the lads that you're a bit of craic that you don't take yourself too seriously. Clear some space & try some Irish dancing if the feeling takes you just watch out those feet don't take someone's eye out... again.
Eyelashes
Buy fake eyelashes, or better yet, make your own! Bristles from an old broom work a treat. The trick with fake eyelashes is to make sure they're long enough to poke him in the face from two feet away, then he'll have to take notice of you.
Lipstick
It's essential that you wear a vivid shade of lipstick, the reason being is when guys are twisted after poisoning themselves with a rake of pints, their vision can become blurred. Lipstick is one of the few ways that they can make out your mouth if indeed they're coming in for the shift. Think of it as a landing strip for his mouth.
Glitter
Glitter. Again, one of those quick additions that can make you stand out in a crowd. It's best to think of men as cumbersome moths looking for the brightest thing in the room. You can be that fluorescent light.
Learn About Football
Nothing will get a guy hot under the collar like having an in-depth knowledge of the current League Of Ireland relegation dogfight.
Fall On Your Arse
Stuck in the middle of the dancefloor and can't catch anyone's eye? Fall on your arse, you'll be surrounded by well-meaning hunks in no time. Best not do it in the same place twice, however, they won't be as charitable the second time around.
Practice Your Come Hither Eyes
Key to drawing potential victims. Try it out in the mirror a few times. Be warned though, it can go from sex appeal to sex offender if you're not careful.
Smoking
Adds a blasé, devil-may-care vibe to your persona. Just don't forget to bring chewing gum out, also don't go overboard on the fags as you could end up sounding like Gollum before the night is out. However, if you're voice does go a bit gravelly target Lord of the Rings fans.
Duckface
It's not just for photos, girls! Permanently suck in your cheeks and pout for the duration of the night and you are bound to turn heads. If not because they find it sexy, then because they're worried you've had a stroke.
Show Your Good Side
You know the side of your face you always show in photos? Do the same for guys you are chatting up. You may need to resort to walking like a crab to keep him away from the 'dark side' but keep up the act as long as you can.
Go Easy On The Perfume
Granted, guys don't want your unadulterated body odor seeping out of every pore but it's also important to remember not to go overboard with the Jean Paul Gaultier. If it makes your dog pass out, consider a few less sprays.
Fake Tan
Look, you don't have to be stuck with your pale skin, burning with the light of a thousand suns. Invest in some fake tan and give yourself that exotic flair. "Are you from Spain?" "Nah, Rosslare, it's the sunny southeast."
Stay True To Your Roots
And finally, the last morsel of counsel. Stay true to your roots. Unless your roots are repugnant to him, in which case create an entirely fabricated new persona based around his ideal woman. Sound.