How To Handle Mother Nature's 'Gift': Your Period...

Once a month, women's vaginas decide to fall apart and cry blood. Apologies for the graphic imagery. If you're a guy reading this, with hopes of soothing the raging hormonal crying mess that was once your girlfriend, follow this one golden rule: be nice to them. This is not a good time for any girl. We are in pain. If we call you a dick to your face and call you out on all your shit, keep being nice. You will be rewarded. Plus, if you had blood flowing uncontrollably from your penis once a month and cramps that felt like your stomach is collapsing in on itself, do you think you'd be Captian Rational? Fuck no! For any women out there, reading this to comfort yourselves, just remember that, although this happens every single month, at least it only happens once a month and not all the time... That would be the absolute worst.

1) Celebrate

Maybe not your first instinct, but think about it: 1) your body works and 2) you're not pregnant. Both of those things are totally worth celebrating... unless you want a baby. If so, what are you doing trying to get pregnant in college?

2) Loose clothing

Sweatpants, yoga pants, loose tops, sports bras. Any sports clothing we wear while lying around is appropriate for this week of personal torture. Wear nothing tight or form fitting. Let it all hang loose. Relax. For this week, it doesn't matter if you look like a slob. You've earned it. You didn't ask for this.

3) Snacks

Don't try to convince yourself that not having chocolate in your house means you won't eat chocolate. Your hormone-fuelled brain will find ways of getting snacks, so you might as well stock up. Forget the diet, you are in pain and have cravings. Satisfy your needs, forget the diet for this week. You might have grand ideas of portioning your snacks but, let's be honest, you're never going to do that. Let yourself go.

4) Painkillers

Carry some with you at all times. You never know when you're going to be hungover, or have a study-headache. Cramps are not dissimilar to having twenty gnomes residing in your fallopian tubes, banging everything with massive hammers and laughing about it. It hurts. Painkillers are your only defence: paracetamol, ibuprofen, vodka, gin....

5) Be Prepared

Always have tampons/pads in your purse, house, locker, and car. It is the worst when you're in a social situation, or about to go into an exam or presentation, and you have to MacGyver a tampon/pad from toilet paper, which is uncomfortable and itchy. Plus you'll always be afraid that you might... leak... and ruin your pants/underwear/dignity.

6) Avoid People

Or surround yourself with people who won't get personally offended when you call them a fucking asshole... and then feel uncomfortable when you start to cry about being unnecessarily mean.

7) Watch Trashy Reality Television

Watching complete tools make terrible life choices will undoubtedly make you feel better about yourself. If they can be complete wasters on TV, you can get through this week of being a complete hormonal mess.

8) Avoid Beautiful and/or Successful Women

They will fuck up your insecurities big time. In comparison, you will feel like a fat, ugly waster. Stick to trashy TV and bed. Wrap yourself up in comfy clothes, blankets and a hot water bottle. If you can't see yourself and the mess that your body feels like this week, no one else can.

9) Be Emotional

Allow yourself to get emotional as shit. Women are bitches and Mother Nature is the biggest bitch of all because she made us this way. How come men don't get an equivalent? This injustice, paired with the pain and hormones, give you all the reason in the world to be the most irrational being on the planet. At least it only lasts a week...

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