Lumbersexuals: Ruining Masculinity For Everyone?

The latest male fashion craze is tainting one of my all-time fantasies: men cutting wood. I don't know why sweaty, bearded men in flannel (sometimes wielding an axe) is such a turn on. I love trees and don't really enjoy the fact that someone is cutting them down, but I'd shut up and watch if the guy was hot enough. Maybe it's the strength and sheer manliness of the mental image in my mind. I feel as though lumbersexuals are a fusion of metrosexuals and lumberjacks. Frankly, I feel like they're ruining the appeal of flannel and sandalwood. They're bringing outdoor clothing into the workplace, packing bags with MacBook Pros when they look like they should be axes. Like many trends getting too big for their heavy lumber boots, it's been taken too far. As per freaking usual. These are the most annoying things about the latest craze.

Playing Dress Up on Purpose

Wear whatever you like, but wear it for you. Don't dress like a lumberjack when you're going to be spending the day sitting on your ass in front of a screen, calculating finance. You're posing. Everyone knows that bear tattoo on your arm is fake. There is absolutely nothing cool about a fake tattoo after your sixteenth birthday.

Manly Manuals

Purchasing books like How to Survive in the Wild and How to Make Your Own Whiskey, so you can show them off to your friends at your next craft beer tasting evening. Filling your bookshelves with guides on how to do 'manly' things but never actually doing any of them. Why do you have a book about camping when you hate the outdoors?? Or a hunting guide when you're ethically against hunting?? What is this madness??

Bringing Sleekness To The Wood

Nature is rugged, unkempt, and unpredictable. Spending half an hour in the morning selecting your designer flannel shirt, dousing yourself in cologne that smells like campfire and heading out with a flask of home-ground coffee to scoot off on a Vespa or some shi... is not very 'natural'.

Metrojacks

When the lumbersexuals come off more metrosexual than manly, they are being dubbed 'metrojack'. Can we please stop labelling people? Surely it's great that it's now considered totally fine for guys to care about their appearance and dress how they like. Why do we feel the need to give them a title? Taking it a bit far, I reckon. To be fair though, there's nothing very masculine about a yoga mat in a flannel design... really? What kind of lumberjack has time to do yoga, what with all the trees that need chopping?

They're Still Hot

The pricks. They've made my fantasies real, which has ruined my fantasies. Guys, you look great - I won't deny it. There's nothing wrong with a great shirt and a nice-looking beard. And you all smell like sandalwood and coffee. Damn you and your sexiness! I just wish the posing would tone down and that you'd actually go to the woods every once in a while. Go hiking, camping, something. Live up to your own image. Or come over to mine, chop some firewood, light a fire and I'll show you how I handle wood in the bedroom...

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