People Who Exist After College That Are Just The Worst
You’d think people in the real world act like adults, but they don't, in fact, it's worse out here in the real world. That the cliques who polluted every memory you possess from puberty right up until you arrived at your first corporate job simply evaporated? The bitchy girls? No more. Ass kissers and wannabes? Never existed. Airheads and jocks? Gone, right along with acne, smirnoff ices, chinos, and koka noodles.
1. The Wasters
These people got a full degree (albeit, barely) but they managed to achieve it, only to graduate and be perfectly content on the dole. They get renters allowance for their apartment and they literally spend all day watching reality t.v, possibly smoking weed and eating waffles with melted cheese and ketchup (delicious, I know).
2. The Fashion Bloggers
These ladies are not to be confused with any other sort of blogger – they go to London Fashion Week. That’s about their only claim to fame, and you already knew that because they almost crashed Instagram when they went. They are only friends with each other, and unless you spent a month’s worth of rent on your shoes, brace yourself for their sneers.
3. The CrossFitters
You know these people. They’re jacked, have a predilection for wife beaters, and are always talking about how early they got up to hit the gym. To them, your pathetic membership to FlyFit might as well be a reward card to Lidl.
4. The “Alternative Lifestyle” People
These guys were the first ones to jump on the voluntary gluten-free bandwagon, the first ones to put coconut oil in everything, and the first ones to take up yoga in the park. Prepare to get an earful about that cheeseburger you just ate from one of them, unless it was a €20, grass-fed, organic, free range burger served on a gluten-free bun.
5. The Baby People
I love kids. They're deadly when you ask them to get you things and they think it's a game. They really can be useful when getting on a plane as well, and also if you need to get out of a conversation. But fuck, I do not need to see every piece of snot that comes out of their nose. Come on.
6. The Coffee and Beer Snobs
These people include anyone who is condescending about the beverage you’re drinking, be it coffee (It has to have originated in Central America), beer (I only drink unfiltered Belgian ales), or wine (Do you know the provenance of the grape?). These guys will bash your brought-from-home water into oblivion before you know what hit you.
7. The Juice Clensers
By Jesus. Is it really necessary to share every ingredient of your juice clense along with every time you take a sip and your hourly bowel movements? No. It's not. Stop pretending it's all you need as well, everyone knows you're just jonesing for a summer fruits Yop and a rich tea.
8. The Perfect Couple
Er. NOBODY, and I cannot stress this enough, NOBODY could give less of a shit about your trip to Sardinia. The fact that you think anyone would be interested in 350 photos of your TWO DAYS away is honestly, mind boggling. If it was pictures of the two of you having a blazing row in the restaurant or one of you trying to put your room key in hammered it might be alright, but 11 photos of the breakfast buffet is a joke. A JOKE.