The 8 Worst Types Of People In Every College Class

We all know who they are. They're the reason we bring our headphones to class. They're the reason we feel an overwhelming sense of dread every time the words 'group project' are mentioned. If you're fortunate enough to be in a large course and only have to endure these oxygen thieves from across a room larger than your entire house, consider yourself lucky. If, on the other hand, your class is no bigger than your immediate family, you have my sympathy. Here are the worst types of people in every college class...

1) The Loudmouth

The loudmouth prefers the sound of their own voice to their mother's. To them, nothing beats silencing all the other lesser beings in the room with long words and arrogant tones. They say that unless you have something important to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. This is the motto by which the loudmouth lives and dies. To them, everything they have to say is vastly important. Don't even try to get a word in edgeways when you're in the same room as this person, it just won't happen.

2) The Opinionated Fuckwit

This one firmly believes they were put upon this earth solely and purely to express their thoughts to the world. It's just a pity nobody wants to listen to them. If their own toenails could speak, they would most likely spend the duration of their short toenail lives telling their owner "yes, there is significant evidence that the earth is round." Your lecturer probably pretends they love the questioning and general chatter but really, they would much rather the opinionated asshole shut up so that they can get on with things.

3) The Princess

Nobody, including you, is quite sure why this one is here. For a start, she seems unsure what subject the class is about. Plus, she spends 95% of her time texting and pouting out the window. She comes in more made up than the story about your first kiss, and her glitter causes your eyes to bleed. The fact that she has actually made it this far in life astounds you all but, then again, Daddy probably bought her in.

4) The No-Show

The name of this person is a mystery to the rest of the class. They've shown up twice in six months and the only thing you've seen them hand in is their gum (to the bin). It seems that they couldn't give less of a shit if they physically tried. The annoying thing about this whole sorry scenario though, is not the fact that they don't come in because that's their loss, but the fact that when they do, it consists of them looking over your shoulder and loudly badgering everyone for information on what's actually going on. *Deep breaths.*

5) The Competitor

Whom they're actually competing against is anyone's guess, but I'm sure they'll be the first ones to cast their vote. At the mere mention of a test, essay or exam, you can see the excitement emanating from their desperate little pores. What they fail (yes, fail) to understand is that nobody actually gives two tiny hoots. They're getting themselves into an ice-cream flurry over nothing at all.

6) The Teachers Pet

Let's call a spade a spade here. Your college lecturers don't give a shit about you. Their job is to appear interested, but they're not babysitting five-year-old finger-painters. They care about you as much as you care about that assignment due in three weeks time. Without being biased about life itself, the teacher's pet is usually a very specific type of person... and by that I mean mature - first-name terms, emails outside term time and a seat at the front of the class permanently reserved for them.

7) The Infinite Book Of Knowledge

No subject is off-topic. No fact too random. No book unread. There is no peace in class when this encyclopedia is present. Ask them anything and I promise you'll get the answer. The problem is, you never wanted to know the answer in the first place. Being in the same room as this person is like living within Google. Don't be surprised if your class on Mathematical Theorems becomes a 'did you know' session about WW1. Kind of like your Dad, but even more annoying.

8) The Loud Snacker

Learn from my mistake and resist the urge to put this person's head through the nearest dry-wall. Maybe they have a life-threatening blood sugar disorder that could destroy them within minutes if they skip their handful of organic, unsalted chicken feed. Maybe they're just greedy bastards. Whatever the reason, everyone wishes they would just shut up and wait for the hour to pass, until they can go and eat where there is nobody to irritate and enrage. Just me?