Your Guide To Surviving The Great Drogheda Drought
For the past few days thousands of homes and businesses in the Northeast have been without water. This mini-apocalyptic scenario is no doubt an act of revenge of beleaguered Irish Water after the cancellation of water charges. Thousands of people have had to resort to flocking to temporary water stations to get their hydration game on.
Well, we here at CollegeTimes have used our extensive journalistic connections to tap up an inside source within Irish Water and have gained access to a draft document entitled 'How To Cope When You've No Water'.
The authenticity of the leak should in no way be called into question despite the fact that our source within the company was a man who we found aggressively hurling insults and some biscuits at swans in a local park. Nor should it be undermined by the fact that the 'document' he provided us was actually some near incomprehensible writing hastily scrawled in crayon on a carrier bag. This man is reportedly very trustworthy.
The document lists several key points about coping with the shortage, it begins:
We here at Irish Water will be the last to say that the situation which everyone in Drogheda and its environs find themselves in is ideal, as such we've spelled out a few points of advice which may help you through these tough times. Bear in mind some sacrifices may have to be made, starting with personal hygiene.
1) Sharing Bathing Water:
We're not suggesting that you should recycle water used for bathing or showering by someone else, that would be disgusting. Instead we're simply asking that you consider bathing with a loved one or friend to cut down on waste-water. While we're aware that having to share a bath with an aunt may put serious strains on your relationship, we would advise you to direct your attention to our above point about 'sacrifices' having to be made.
2) The Cancellation Of ALL Unnecessary Baptisms:
For the duration of the water cut-off we advise that all non-urgent baptisms should be postponed. Dunking babies in some H2O in the name of religion, while all well and good when we have water to burn- or just waste generally- is all well and good, but for now, please, keep your baby's heads dry.
3) Suspending The Annual Bettystown Church Wet T-Shirt Competition:
We realise that much of the summer economy of the East Meath town of Bettystown is based on tourism around their annual Wet T-Shirt Competition, however we sincerely advise the cancellation of the competition this year. Aside from this, it is a rather out-dated and somewhat sleazy form of entertainment, perhaps some sort of wholesome Church Fete could be organised instead?
4) The Bear Grylls Way; Drink Your Own Urine:
Although we have provided numerous temporary water stations throughout the affected areas, we realise that occasionally it may be a bit inconvenient for you to trek out to your nearest one and queue for perhaps several hours to quench your thirst. As such, if you're in need of a quick refreshing boost of liquid, we recommend taking the Bear Grylls approach and imbibing from your own flow. It never did him any harm.
5) Move:
Some of you have probably been thinking of doing this for a while. If you're living somewhere other than Drogheda why not take this as your opportunity to finally up sticks and move to somewhere more populated and with running water? You won't regret it.
6) Perform A Rain-Dance:
Honestly, if you're that desperate for water, get out in your garden and dance to some pagan rain gods. It'd probably be a more effective method of getting water than waiting for us to sort the situation out.