There are many ways to tell when we have truly gotten into the festive season. Has all urban public lighting been made absolutely redundant by the vast arrays of improvised lighting rigs that've been slung across every street? You're in the festive season. Do you begin each day by opening a tiny cardboard flap to sleepily gnaw on a piece of chocolate that even a cash-strapped Victorian orphanage would consider a miserly portion? Then it's Christmas o'clock! Are you filled with icy cold dread at the thought of having to buy a load of considerate, yet affordable, gifts for your direct biological relatives and any friends who you feel have had a particularly solid year? Then yes, the answer remains the same, we are up to the gills in the festive season.
All that means that Xmas FM will return to the airwaves from 1pm today, broadcasting its merry blend of jaunty Christmas bangers. In honour of its return, we have compiled a list of the 9 best Christmas songs, and one absolute piece of festive-themed insanity. Most of these are obligatory shoo-ins.
10) Jingle Bell Rock - Bobby Helms
Featuring one of the most recognisible opening guitar riffs in all of music - no, let's not overly toot the Helms' horn here - in all of Christmas music. Also anybody with the tenacity to wear a silk scarf while holding a guitar with their own name on it gets my approval any day.
9) Santa Baby - Eartha Kitt
Makes it on the list simply for the fact that through the entire song it seems Eartha Kitt is having an affair with Santa Claus, or perhaps a man from a Latin country named Santa. If the latter, I'm thinking perhaps it's the much decorated Paraguayan footballer Roque Santa Cruz. If the former, take shelter Eartha, as from what I've heard, Mrs. Claus will come after you with a frying pan if she catches wind of this.
8) All I Want For Christmas Is You! - Mariah Carey
This song single-handedly keeps Mariah Carey in bathtubs full of champagne all year round, and for that we are all equally accountable.
7) Let It Snow - Dean Martin
Thanks to the ever worsening threat of climate change, I imagine this song will be sung with increasing desperation each year by ski resort owners; Inuits, and very warm polar bears as the years go by.
6) Last Christmas - Wham!
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart/ The very next day you gave it away." I think giving the gift of one of your soft organs to anyone, regardless of whether it has potentially romantic cultural implications, is a gross miscalculation and quite right that they should've gotten rid of it.
5) Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS - Tiny Tim
In all fairness, I would be astounded if this received any prime-airtime on Xmas-FM, only chance is to tune in during some off-peak hours, and even then I can't imagine it's guaranteed to get a look in.
4) Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Brenda Lee
While dancing around a Christmas tree may seem like a fun way to express your seasonal joie de vivre, remember that you are dancing around a flammable tree which is - and I don't say this lightly - covered in extensive electrical wiring. Were you to trip over the lead to the mains, oh baby! Enjoy your morning in A&E.
3) I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday - Wizzard
Light-hearted wish or nightmarish reality that our capitalist culture's obsession with Christmas consumerism is slowly spiraling towards. Either way, it's a doozy of a listen.
2) Merry Christmas Everybody -Slade
It's an absolute barn-stormer of a song and I will fight anyone who disagrees. Any man, woman, child or parrot who has been trained to disparage the song, that does not consider it to be the second greatest Christmas song will know my ire.
1) Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl
And you will be able to listen to at least nine of these songs on the newly returned Xmas FM.
— Christmas FM (@christmasfm) November 28, 2017