With Met Éireann issuing status orange weather warnings in advance of the arrival of Hurricane Lorenzo, thousands around the country are preparing themselves for the first major storm of the year. For many, this will involve stockpiling food stuffs; doning warm clothes, and emotionally bracing themselves to potentially having to spend a prolonged period of time trapped indoors with members of their immediate family. Lidl however, are having to take a different approach in their preparations.
"I don't suppose I have to remind you of what happened during the blizzards of March 2018," said Jeremiah Felch, a senior member of Lidl's PR team. "They say, that in times of great adversity people come together, they unite, to work together. It's just a shame that, during the snows of 2018, they came together to form an unruly mob to hijack a JCB and ransack one of our flagship stores in Tallaght."
Mr. Felch was speaking at an emergency press conference today, convened to try to assuage the fears of the supermarket's shareholders that a similar situation won't arise during Hurricane Lorenzo. "I'd like to say that we could rely on basic human decency to guarantee that one of our supermarket's won't be torn asunder at the hands of a baying mob, however, I'd have thought that in 2018 and look how that turned out. Frankly, there is evidently some deep psychological flaw in our national character that sees us turn into a collection of savages as soon as we're confronted with some vaguely bad weather. I'm assuming it's something similar to what happens with werewolves when they see a full moon, but that's by-the-by. Given this tendency however, we've had to take more extreme preventative measures to protect our stores."
When pressed by an attendant journalist as to what these 'measures' might entail, Mr. Felch elaborated. "Well, we looked into landmines but that proved unviable - from a humanitarian and financial point of view, those things be pricey. As such, we've taken drastic action that we hope will guarantee our stores' safety. We've contracted in a fleet of very strong, very physically imposing, and very, very handsome manual labourers to dig a moat around each of our 200 stores in the country. These moats should be large enough to prohibit JCBs, and any other large machinery from damaging our stores. But let me just be absolutely clear about one thing here, some of these manual labourers are among the most sublime physical specimens I have ever seen. Period."
Mr. Felch was questioned as to the relevance of raising the physical attractiveness of the builders they'd contracted. He responded, enigmatically, "Look, if you can go do your shopping in a Kia Rio or a Ferrari, I think we all know what you'd choose - even though you're still just picking up some milk and 20 Rothmans."
It was then put to Mr. Felch as to why, on Thursday, the day the hurricane's set to hit Ireland, they've announced a massive sale on lilos and garden strimmers in all of their stores. He explained, "We're hoping that - even though the safety of our customers is our top priority - this sale will attract thousands of dads throughout the country to flock to our stores, in spite of the weather warnings. Our thinking is that, should any JCB piloted by an angry mob make it through a moat, they'll demure from demolishing the supermarket one they realise the collateral damage that would be incurred by destroying a building full of that many dads purchasing lilos and strimmers."