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Why Notions & Hipsters Are THE Worst Diseases Facing Ireland Today

Throughout the Celtic Tiger years, as people with money started to get ideas above their station, medical professionals and pathologists began research on a little known disease: Notions. There had only been a few confirmed cases of the rare illness recorded in Ireland before; only Irish mammies had extensive enough medical knowledge to diagnose wreckthehead withnotionsitis. As the boom turned to bust, the curable Notions mutated into the superbug Hipster. Wearing vintage clothes, and trying to shame people for enjoying the same things as other people, the Hipster has become a pox on our nation. In Lovin' Dublin's list of people changing Ireland for the better, we found that a sizeable percentage of these people had, in fact, long been diagnosed with the Hipster virus. Here we outline the people and symptoms you should watch out for in avoiding both Notions and Hipster, and what you can put in our Big Bag of Pretentiousness that's going in the sea:

1) Mason Jars

 

They make actual glass containers specifically constructed for the purpose of drinking. A classic symptom of notions. Into the bag, into the sea. Here is a picture of a Kale salad in a mason jar because hipsters are diseased:

2) Restaurants With No Plates

 

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The novelty lasts as long as it takes to drop half your meal off the wooden board you're eating from into your lap. Even Lovin' Dublin hate this shit. Into. The Fucking. Bag.

3) Beards

 

The most visual symptom of Hipster. What started many years ago with the Dubliners as a statement of manliness, in the last two years has changed to being a statement of: "I'm so different and alternate and socially awkward, please notice me". Get in the sea.

4) Weird Flavoured Crisps

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Parsnip & Manuka Honey. Beetroot & Dill. Kale fucking crisps. Would you feed them to the dog? I'm not even putting these in the bag bound for the sea. I'd burn all of these. All of them.

5)  Nobó Ice "Cream"

 

The Irish-speaking amongst you will have noticed that No Bó literally means: "no cow", as in, no dairy. Which clearly means that this is, in fact, not ice cream. It's made from (hold your f**k offs till the end please) avocado and coconut milk. Not even fit for the fires of hell.

6) Hipster Music

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Specifically the Irish bands. We're not talking the obscure, oddly-named and frankly WEIRD bands that hipsters claim to know and love. I don't know if they even exist to put them in my big bag. I'm talking about the acoustic guitars and "cajon" boxes of Hermitage Green and KeyWest that are slowly killing rock and roll. Get thee to the sea.

7) Fixed Gear Bikes

 

Highly impractical. Pretty things, but useless.

8) This Sort of Fucking Carry On

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 9) And The Rest of It

 

The typewriter keypads for tablets. The portable record players. The stupid hats. The pretentiousness of it all. Everyone is different without even trying. Diversity is something to be celebrated, not paraded from a high horse. Keep all this shit if need be, but changer yisser attitudes, Hipsters of Ireland!

 

#DownWithNotions

Tom Quinn
Article written by
"The best there ever was" 10/10- TIME Magazine; "Moved this critic to tears" 9.5/10 - Independent; "Will be sorely missed" - College Times; "The Mighty Quinn"- New York Times

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