The John Lewis Christmas ad was finally released today, much to the joy of easily manipulated dolts everywhere. The ad, glibly designed to sell you stuff you don't need by capitalistic committees of marketing executives, took the internet by storm.
However, if you watch it you see that it is a thoughtless mess of bad ideas and utter fabrications with the sole purview of distracting the intellectually feeble.
1. That child is ruining the slats on her bed
The ad opens with a needlessly saggy-faced dog watching a child -who probably has ADD or something- jumping up and down on her bed. Beds are not designed for this, that child misusing it and is breaking the slats that hold her mattress up. Her mattress will now undoubtably sag , and she'll have to endure pedantic back pain every morning.
2. Trampolines are not suitable for winter
A trampoline is a very thoughtful gift for a child with excessive energy levels, but it is unsuitable for winter. This ad is set in England, even if it's dry now it will soon be spewing down sheets of torrential rain. The bad weather will, in a best case scenario, persist until at least March. With the ever-encroaching threat of climate change, this extreme weather could go on until well into Spring.
When the rain finally subsides, the trampoline will be a rusted, weathered heap. That child will be profoundly disappointed, the sort of disappointment that has a lasting effect on her growth and development, and her thoughtless parents will be to blame.
3. Foxes aren't that clean
During the night two foxes emerge from a hedge and begin gleefully capering across the trampoline. The foxes in the ad are charming creatures with lovely, soft red pelts. This is utter fantasy.
If you've ever seen an urban fox you know what they really look like, scabrous, mangy monstrosities that look as though they dragged themselves out of a skip full of medical waste and a bitter fluid made of coalesced racism.
4. Badgers can't climb
A badger joins the foxes on the trampoline. This would never happen, badgers can't climb, they can only do three things: burrow, spread TB, and get hit by cars.
5. Squirrels aren't nocturnal
The ad takes a left turn into pure lunacy when it shows a grey squirrel ( an invasive species that is causing the extinction of the red squirrel) bouncing around on the trampoline too. Squirrels are diurnal, they would never be out at night.
On top of that they would never play with an apex predator like an urban fox. The only time you'd see a squirrel with a fox would be if the fox was furiously savaging it to death.
That's nature, David Attenborough told me so.
6.The dog isn't sad, dogs aren't smart enough to feel sadness
The ad glibly tries to tug on your heart strings by showing Buster the boxer looking sad, because this ad was scripted by manipulative sociopaths.
Dogs however, cannot feel disappointment, or sorrow. When you look at your dog and ascribe emotions onto it you are projecting, dogs do not feel like we do.
Your dog is never happy in the way we are, your dog is never sad in the way we are, your dog does not love you, it doesn't have the capacity to love you; it is simply a bundle of meat, drool, and vague, idiot instincts.
7. That trampoline is infested with parasites
In the morning the various vermin that had been cascading across the trampoline have gone. However, they doubtless left something behind; a whole host of filthy parasites displayed from their fur.
Now the little girl's Christmas present is covered with ring worm, infested with ticks, and riddled with fleas. She'll no doubt be lousy with lice after a few minutes on that bouncy filth tarp.
Her parents will probably have to shave her head.