Watch: Fianna Fail Candidate For 2019 Local Elections Releases Utterly Bizarre Campaign Song
The silence in the room hangs heavy. Furtive glances are cast between the assembled throng, comprising some of Irish society's prime movers and shakers, the kingmakers and kingpins - who live in Drogheda and are involved in local Louth politics. One of them clears their throat before muttering, "Anthony, are you sure about this?" Anthony Moore, Fianna Fail candidate for the 2019 local elections in Drogheda, pauses for a moment before confirming. "Yes, I would like to release a themed promotional song as part of my campaign."
The silence would return to the room, heavier than before - as if the silence had just eaten a big meal, and was getting on a bit so its metabolism was not what it once was. "But Anthony," another of the assembled hoard would pipe up, "You have no discernible history of songwriting or music production." Anthony Moore, swats this short-sighted and pessimistic assertion aside with a waft of one his large, centre-right leaning paws. "How hard can it be?" declares Anthony Moore, with an assured smile playing about his lips. "And besides," he adds, "You seem too quick to forget my secret weapon, the ace up my sleeve, who will help me pen this ballad," he says, gesturing to his 14 year-old nephew sitting in the corner, "Keith's band came third in his school's Battle of the Bands - and he writes all their songs." Anthony Moore's nephew nods glumly to affirm.
"But Anthony," chimes another, "If you are to release a song in this day and age, people will almost certainly expect some kind of music video to accompany it." Anthony Moore's smiles all the harder, a slight snort of derision escaping his nostrils. "I think what you're forgetting here," begins Anthony Moore, "Is the fact that I am in possession of a large folder on my computer. In this folder are over a decade's worth of jpegs of me variously campaigning; engaging in meet and greets, and generally just posing asininely as well as images of some of Drogheda's premier landmarks. Using these, and a series of soft pans and zooms, we can create something of a tour de force in still image collage to accompany my music."
"We will back you on this Anthony," the assembled throng reluctantly agree, "but only if you agree to record the audio in a noticeably echo-y location, such as a garage, or the changing room of a municipal swimming pool." Anthony Moore ponders this offer for a second, before nodding.
Such is how I imagine the meeting may have gone down when Anthony Moore, Fianna Fail candidate for the 2019 local elections in Drogheda, lobbied the idea of creating a song for his campaign. Frankly however, it is difficult to conceive at all how this song, titled 'Anthony Moore Knockin' at your Door' came to be.
Firstly, the song's title leaves some ambiguity as to whether Anthony Moore's being at your door is something desirable. It's lack of clarity alternately implies that, it could be a very lovely thing indeed to have a visit from Anthony Moore, while also leaving room for the opening of the film 'Scream' to spring to mind.
The song itself is a rich tapestry of low-production and endearingly troubled earnestness. It possesses the vibe of a secondary school transition year project writ large. Everything from its janky production qualities, to its lo-fi country & western vibes, to the music video that seems to have been assembled in the depths of 1998, are positively overwhelming.
Though perhaps its most bemusing aspect is the image which has been chosen as its thumbnail, the image which we have utilised as this article's feature image. It is confusing on every level. I'm sure that if Anthony Moore pledges in his election manifesto that, should he be elected, he will never record or release music again, he can be assured of victory.