The Definitive Guide To Gate Crashing House Parties
Okay, you can admit it. You're not exactly Ms./Mr. popular, but why should you miss out on all the best gaff parties? Well, now you don't have to, with the College Times' definitive guide to gate-crashing house parties here to help the people of the world:
Name Roulette
If the worst comes to worse and you're face to face with the host, have 3 or 4 extremely common names in your mind and then reel them off until something sticks or you're better off learning the hosts' name before you go.
Threaten Them
If you do get caught and you're at risk of being kicked out, threaten to ring the Gards and shut them down. Sure, the atmosphere might be a bit icy afterwards, but after a few cans, it'll be water under the bridge.
Do A 'Todd Unctious'
Creep them on Facebook and learn they're idiosyncrasies. Then if you get quizzed you'll be able to speak about your vast knowledge of their personal life.
Get Offended When They Don't Remember You
It's me, Mike. Remember? From the thing, we did that time? You don't remember? Typical. Bloody typical, you were always up your own arse.
Bring A Gift
If you turn up arms swinging, the host is well within their rights to kick you out. Come with a gift and you at least have a bit of leverage. Pro tip: Bring the drink and say it's for them but then when they're not looking drink it yourself. Ingenious.
Stick To Dark Corners/Hide
Go where you won't be seen as much. Avoid the host like the plague.
Wear A Disguise
Only works for Halloween or other costume parties. The key is to stay in character so you don't have to engage with anyone and give up the gig:
A: So how do you know Steven?
B: Booooo!
A: Ah right yeah...
Go In The Toilet Window
If security is tight you might need to form a plan B. Try shimmying in the toilet window, just make sure it's vacant when you do it. You don't need 'toilet pervert' among your list of character traits.
Be The Life Of The Party
No one wants sad sack partygoers. If you can bring the craic to a gaffer, it won't matter that you literally know no one. By the end of the night, they'll be begging you to stay.
Have A Good Party Piece
If you're gonna turn up uninvited at least have something to show for yourself. Be it singing, a joke, a terrible impression, something to curry favour with your fellow sesh-goers. Even hot cross buns on the recorder will do.
Latch On To Someone
Find some sod who was invited and make merry with them. Be over-familiar, offer them a can, laugh at all their jokes. If anyone questions your place in the party your new bessie will have your back.