13 Ways Irish Women Judge Men

Women can be cruel. Irish women however, well, we can be the cruelest.  I'm not quite sure what it is, I think its in our DNA, we've been brought up with that abusive conversational manner that's thinly disguised as 'banter.' "Nice face dickwad, oh don't cry, its just banter."  You have been warned. All of you single men out there might be a tad confused by this constant stream of abuse, so here's a list of things that us bitches judge you on:

13) Shoes

I cannot emphasize to you men the vast importance of the shoes that you choose to wear. It is the very first thing that we notice. Asics worn outside the realm of sport are the very reason that there are so many single men out there. A prime example for you, in first year we had a really hot neighbour, I'm talking really hot. Until we noticed his feet that is. He wore Asics with jeans. He instantly became rank to us. Poor lad. Great face, pity about the shoes. Also, men (particularly men from the country) who wear those revolting brown Velcro shoes, please remove them. Then remove yourself from the premises. Nil point.

12) Hair

Following the glance downwards upon first meeting a man (towards his shoes you filthy minded people) your hair is the next thing we'll take into note. For the most part, a man with clean, shortish, well kept hair is a decent human being. Men with highlighted, shaggy, combed to the max, very long or hair sprayed hair are men we will swiftly slide away from. YOU ARE NOT A GIRL. Please stop touching your hair, it makes you look self obsessed and vain, which you more than likely are. Irish women for the most part hate that shit. We want men to be men, sexist as that may be. How very dare you love yourself.

11) Neckline

You know those 'men' from Tallafornia/ Geordie Shore with the muscle tops? We hate them. We are not called Nikita and we don't want to see your cleavage which appears to be larger than ours. Please just wear a normal, flesh/chest concealing t-shirt. If you have nice arms then wear a tightish sleeve. We don't need to see your nipples though. Not that tight.

10) Hygiene

Dear men of Ireland. Please shower regularly. There is nothing more attractive than a great smelling man. You could be puck ugly but smell fantastic and we'd probably shift you anyway. We're not asking too much here, just shower daily, short clean nails, clean hair and nice aftershave. That musty man smell of sleep and unwashed clothes does not a happy girl make. Just saying.

9) Accent

This one is obviously a matter of taste for the most part. Unless you're from Donegal, in which case, just ride me now. A good thick North Dublin accent gets all the country ladies weak at the knees too. If you're shifting someone from Cork and you're not from Cork, then perhaps bring a translator. One more piece of advice. Most of us with (functioning) ears want to drop kick any of those fools out there who put on a fake posh accent. You're wearing a medallion love, you're fooling nobody.

8) Manners

This is of the upmost importance. That age old cliche of girls loving a bad boy, means that we now have a generation of wankers. Men who think that because they're over five foot eight and have outgrown their acne, can treat people around them like shit. These men need to be put down. If you ask us out on a date and bring us for food, be warned, we are watching how you treat the waitress. One sign of rudeness and we're gonzo. You bastard.

7) Tight Arses

Us girls are well aware that yes, we're living in the 21st century, equal rights and all that jazz. We do not expect you to pay for everything. In fact we WANT to go halfsies. Just that when you ask us out for the first time and then sit back and let us fork out, we instantly think that you're a stingy fucker. And yes. We will also be checking out your arse. Sorry.

6) Oohh Friends

There is no better way in which to see a mans true colour's, than to see him with his friends. To us you may be fun and respectful, but once in the company of your friends you may transform into a total dick who excitedly ham's on about "tits and whores". You think things are going great with a girl, so you take the next logical step and introduce her to "the lads". Then you never hear from her again. It's because you turn into a dick around them. Girls are also going to be slightly intimidated by a man with a lot of close girl friends. We don't want to be but we will be. If she turns out to be a jealous bitch (they usually are) then we will hate her forever and nothing you will say can change this. We told you so.

5) Mammies Boy

The love Irish Mammies have for their sons is like no other type of love. No woman will ever be good enough for her precious baby. You're shitting yourself as the time to introduce a girl to your mother creeps up. Just as your mammy will judge everything about us. from what our parents do, to what our first name is, we will judge the way in which you act around you Mammy. If you sit around whilst she clips your toenails and makes you eat all of your greens, we are Gone.

4) Car Wankers

There's nothing better to a girl, than finding a man with a car. Consider them a babe magnet. What was once used to 'pusssay patrol' with the boiiiis will now be used to drive her all over the country. That's what you get for having such a babe magnet, you can pimp our ride alright. Unless you drive a Nissan Micra that is. The only pussy you'll be picking up in that piece of crap is the shit from next doors cat.

3) Selfish Sally

So you've avoided getting the boot so far, you've got a woman home to your bed. Just keep the lights off because chances are your room is a hovel (she'll judge you on that as well, unless she's a slob too that is, in which case, have a lovely life together.) Don't mess up now fella, you've got so far. There are some men out there are selfish as hell when it comes to getting the ride. Just remember that she has needs too, focus on making her feel good and she won't think you're a selfish dick. If you've just met her that night, then don't get rid of her as soon as you do the deed, even if it's so awkward that your skin hurts. That's a shitty thing to do, even if you happen to be a shitty person to begin with. Make her a cup of tea or something. She'll think you're a keeper. Promise.

2) Texting Habits

Not everybody will agree with this. Anybody with an ability to spell however, will. We will judge you if you spell like an imbecile, 'gr8' is incorrect, 'your you're, their, there and they're' are SO IMPORTANT. Just please, men of Ireland, learn the difference between them, that is all we ask of you. Don't call us 'hun' or 'babe' and don't put loads of x's at the end of your message. What are you, 14?  Also, when we are in your company, kindly put your phone down and have a conversation with us. Have some manners. That is all.

1) Music Matters

Lastly, dear men of Ireland. We, at some point, will ask you what kind of music you like . If you reply with "Katy Perry because of her tits" or "Calvin Harris because he's riding Rita Ora" we will instantly lose all of the respect that we never had for you in the first place. Music is a serious matter.  A man with good solid taste in music is attractive. Ok so everybody has different taste (some people actually have none), your's might be different to ours but at least listen to something that isn't the 2fm top 40 on a Saturday. If you tell us that you like all types of music, we will know that that is a blatant lie and we'll just go through your Spotify when you leave the room. If we can't quite look you in the eye afterwards, then it may be time to explore some new music frontiers. You'll thank us in the end.