14 Ways To Stop Your Housemates Hearing You Have Sex
Sex, by definition, is noisy. Some noises are intentional, others not so much. Which begs the question: if an Ikea headboard falls in the flat because your screwing is too much for their screws, BUT nobody hears it, does it make a sound?
The answer is no. What your housemates don't hear can't hurt them. So follow our tips for supremely sensuous stealth sex, and get it on without getting them up.
Do it on the floor
Just, y'know, not the kitchen floor. Floor sex is a great way to avoid tell-tale creaking bedposts and squeaking springs. Experts also suggest strapping a Flash fluffy duster to your back so you can clean up at the same time.
Communicate your pleasure through sign language
According to everybody who's anybody, moans are so last year. Let your partner know you enjoy their efforts through a series of simple hand gestures. Or, I guess you could look deep into their eyes as your bodies and souls entwine, if you're into that.
Move the bed away from the walls
This will stop any obvious banging noises as the headboard/your head slams into the wall.
Soundproof your room
Eggboxes on the ceiling, socks in the crack under the door, 5 sheets of paper to double the thickness of the walls. All sure fire ways to muffle your moans and ensure your roomies get a peaceful night's sleep.
Play a TV show
Most people think you should play music, but believe me, nothing is worse than hearing the sounds of someone's carnal pleasure interspersed with Coldplay lyrics. Instead, play a TV show - that way even if your roomies do hear you, at least they'll get snippets of prime time entertainment as well. My personal recommendation would be the The Simpsons Season 6, Episode 24, "Lemon of Troy".
Don't have sex
Because you will get pregnant. And die.
Do it in the spooning position and take it slow
Because if you're going to get pregnant and die, you might as well have fun in the meantime.
Whisper
Screaming is great for when Harry Met Sally and Herbal Essences Adverts and all, but some sensuous whispers never go amiss in real life. Tickle their ears and fancy with your Beefy Hula Hoop-infused breath and enjoy sweet nothings all night long.
Do it with your clothes on
There's nothing worse than the sound of skin slapping skin as someone does the dirty. Do it with your clothes on to save your roommates the horror,
Gag your lover
If your partner in crime is the guilty party when it comes to noisy antics, then it might be time to pretend you have a new fetish. "Mmm baby... I love it when you shut the hell up."
Play a tape of you snoring
This classic 90's plot device is a foolproof way to trick your housemates into think you're having Harry-Potter-in-fifth-year-style-night-terrors instead of really, really sordid sex.
Stage an exorcism
For those nights when you've just gotta be noisy, pretend to your roomies that you've got a priest round to exorcise a particularly loud and moany ghost from your room. Bonus points: your lover can even dress up as the aforementioned man of the cloth for some particularly sexy (and potentially psychologically damaging) role play.
Do it (whilst they're) in the shower
Newer and hotter than shower sex is doing-it-in-your-room-whilst-your-roommate-is-in-the-shower sex. Hopefully they won't be able to hear you whilst the water is running and they're singing their fave show tunes, but if they do, at least they'll be able to hide their tears.
Do it quick
A well-manoeuvred quickie is the difference between your roomie thinking "Hmm, what's that noise?" and "OH GOD, WHAT'S THAT NOISE?" Do it fast and they won't know what's hit 'em. Just don't do it THAT fast. Not again. Please.
Via StudentBeans