How To Get Laid On Your First Tinder Date

Coming from a 5 foot 5 male who doesn’t resemble the chiselled looks of a gym shark nor that of an AFC (average frustrated chump), this is pretty optimistic. I'm just your typical guy and first-hand experience has shown me that this is not a daunting task. In fact, all you need to do is follow these simple steps and thank me later on. Happy Tindering...

1) Fix Up, Look Sharp

Nothing says fuck me now or lose me forever, like a man in a sharply cut suit. Smart casual would be my preferred outfit, a look which portrays an individual who likes to work hard and play hard. Whatever you choose to don, make sure that it correctly fits you and more importantly, that you wear it with confidence and a small level of self-assuredness. Confidence is vital to your success as females can smell self-doubt off a man before she even claps eyes on him.

2) Meet & Greet

First impressions are everything; rock up to your date as if you've just won a million big ones, head up, back straight and gently go in for a hug/ kiss on the side of the cheek. Be careful not to overthink this, you may end up head-butting her or worse yet, stepping on her toes. Awkward enough...

3) Wine, Dine And 69

Once these formalities have been completed, show your date to her chair and make sure that you're the last one to sit down, as this shows that you're not a dickhead with no idea of manners or good cop on. Basically.

4) Get The Drinks In

Now it's time to get this party started. Science proves that consuming copious amounts of alcohol not only ensures that you have a fun time, but it also pretty much ensures that you'll be a lot more outgoing and friendly than you usually would even consider. Meaning, sex.

5) Hit Up The D Floor

Now that your body is nicely under the influence, it's time to show off some killer dance moves. You want to ‘woo’ your date and sweep her off her feet. Nothing gets the female bodies juices flowing like a guy who knows how to cut loose and bust a move. Trust me, I've got moves.

6) Move In For The Kill

A winning combination of alcohol and killer dance moves should now have your date fully cast under your spell of seduction. Now it's time to turn this into a firm come assertive kiss, run your hand up her neck, gently hold the back of her head, a subtle bite of her bottom lip and it's game over. Your next plan of action is to hail down a taxi.

7) He Shoots, He Scores

Whether it's back to her house or yours, it doesn’t matter, both parties have now consented to the art of sexual intercourse. If it’s your own bedroom, a bit of Barry White gently playing in the background along with some scented candles and lots of condoms scattered across the bed and you have yourself the perfect way to set the mood. If, for whatever reason, the above tips fail to get you laid, my only other piece of advice is to go home because clearly, you're shit at this.

Happy sexing and don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.