We have entered peak blessing of the graves season and anyone from the countryside will know that this is probably the worst season of the year. I mean who invented this awfully boring ceremony and why must we persist with it!?
It's also one of those strange things in Ireland where half population is obsessed with it and the other half seems to have absolutely no idea what it is. I wish I was in the latter half. Here's how every blessing of the graves goes down.
1. You'll argue with your parents that you shouldn't have to go
'This is stupid. Sure these people were dead before I was even born!'
'Show your great-grandfather a bit of respect.
2. Before begrudgingly showing up hungover
Fine then! I'll go, I'll go.
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3. Although you've obviously decided to skip the mass
Sure it's the blessings as good as mass anyhow. Plus it'll be good to get into the graveyard early for a bit of a chat.
4. The weather is guaranteed to be apocalyptic
So much rain. So so much rain!
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5. Cars are just abandoned everywhere
Along the side of the road, on people's lawns, maybe even in the church itself.
6. Someone will trip over a grave
Wahey!
7. The panic of doing a last minute bit of weeding
'Is that a flower or a weed?' 'Fairly sure it's a weed ... Yep definitely a weed.'
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8. You spend way too long talking to a relation you haven't seen in yonks
'Are you finished school yet? ... Oh you're married with three children?'
9. Mass seems to go on forever
You didn't arrive until 40 minutes after it started yet somehow they're still only on the first reading.
10. The congregation will arrive out with half of them dressed like they're at a wedding
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There's no need for high heels and white jeans at a blessing of the graves!
11. You silently beg the priest to only do one decade of the rosary
It's pissing rain! For the love of God, don't keep us here all day people! My socks weigh four tonne at this stage.
12. The rain will suddenly subside and you immediately get sunburnt
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What the hell is going on!?
13. The panicked shuffle of everyone moving out of the priest's way as he walks by
'Oh shit here he comes. GET OUT OF THE WAY!'
14. Car park mayhem
The blessing is finally over but the traffic is worse than the Champs-Élysées at rush hour.
15. 72 hours of tea and sandwiches in your aunts
Please can I not just go home!? Please please please!?
