Celebrity Big Brother Episode 1 Recap: The Prisoners Enter

Welcome! This is the first recap of Celebrity Big Brother and may well be my last. CBBUK is probably the worst show I've ever seen and I've watched Geordie Shore more than once. Follow along as I look back at one of the most atrocious shows to ever air (I think... I did see an ad for "Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away"). If you watched it, you should enjoy this recap. If you didn't, you should enjoy this even more because um, you didn't get to watch it.

The show starts with the most garish and awful colour scheme to hit the silver screen since they were testing colour TV.

This host, Emma Wallis, is making my ears bleed. Her voice couldn't be more awful but I should probably wait and see what celebrities she brings out before I confirm that. OK pleasantries out the way, let's get these housemates out NOW.

I'm liking how fast this show is getting through shit.

The first housemate is Speidi! Because trainwreck couples need a nickname and apparently they also need matching outfits. They are of course Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, the alien morpheus from a past season no one cares about. I've tired of them and forgot to take a screenshot of their entrance because I nearly fell asleep. I wrote down "waffle maker" because I think that's Heidi's best skill? Hard too say. Her face looks better.

Next is James Jordan who I'm 90% sure is the name of someone I went to school with. Anywho, he's the brad Pitt of the dance world which must mean he's 50 and desperately seeking roles that make him relevant whilst his personal life falls apart, whilst simultaneously doing the tango, alone. He said something about Twitter and being a troll and I think I hate him. Wow OK 3e, I just discovered you let swearing happen at 9pm on a school night! In 'straya our Prime Minister denounced Big Brother and consequently made it shut down its filth. But you, 3e, you let a middle-aged man point at a camera and say fuck off! Bravo.

He just thrusted. Wow OK I'm here for this. The voiceover man who I shall now call David (that's da-vid not day-vid) said James lived in a caravan for four yerrrs!

Next up is Jasmine Waltz who I want to say is famous but is most definitely not. She introduced herself as a "biiiiiiigggg sluuuut" and she's my favourite person. She also said "Let me see your bush!" and won extra points. David helpfully pointed out Jasmine brought along a "diamenndd brayclerrrrt".

Four nobodies try to figure out who will make waffles later. Heidi offers graciously.

The four of them have been set a special task: they must decide who is the least worthy of a waffle from Heidi's waffle maker. It's a hard task but the team believe they'll be able to make a decision.

The next person to enter the stage of torture is ya boi Ray J! He's sooo famous it's hard to look at the screen. Oh wait not that's just the cartoon colours making my eyes fill with blood. Ray J says you may know him from his... DICK! Thanks Ray J. He is famous for making the world implode i.e. he was that dude in Kim K's sex tape. He also is the brother of Brandi and the cousin of Snoop Dogg and honestly that gives him 9 out of 10 famous points by default. David said "rehh jehh" and that's all I understood.

"I hate what I've done to the world"

Onwards and upwards. Our next prisoner is none other than Bianca Gascoigne who up until 2 minutes ago I didn't know existed. She looks like Shakira if you squint your ears. She's the daughter of some footy player and she's very 'pinionated, as she said. She's also very messeh and I'm convinced her and David the announcer are the same person. Emma the host/crazy person said she looks like a mermaid and it's hard to tell if she is joking because mermaids most certainly don't stand on stage and wave at imaginary fans, they swim and shit. David lets us know that once upon a time, Bianca "glued err eyes shooot". So cute.

"Help, I'm trapped in my father's rectangle!"

Mermaid pose.

I'm honestly almost over this shit but I'll continue. Austin Armacost is next and he has a problem enunciating things. He said he is "fabalus" more than once, though he definitely can pronounce "eccentricity" so I just don't know any more. What is life? He said he had a husband of 9 years and I lowkey had no idea he was gay until now. This is a revelation. He didn't mince his words either, saying he thinks Sp (one half of Speidi) is a fucking idiot. And eidi is full of plastic. Geez. David tell us Austin-tacious one has a meal with the "Thai royal famlehhh". My boyfriend told me he thinks you can just pay to do that in Thailand. Nice one, Austin.

No one knows who I am except me.

The next person to commit career suicide is Coleen Nolan who actually seems pretty awesome. She said she's a lover of dick and last time she was on said it was the house from hell. Well, fool me once right?!?! David tells us she's scared of falling down sterrrs and not that she may lose all sense of what is good and right.

Fuck.

Coleen actually looks like a lady who did a tarot card reading for me.

I'm the only sane one here

James Cosmo is here you guys! The beautiful Lord Commander! I missed you, sweet prince. OMG he's too cute for this show/life. He makes skiing jokes! And listens to Eminem! Someone help him. OMG bless him, look at him clutch on to dear life:

Next is someone I've legitimately never seen in my life. Welcome, Stacy Francis. She apparently is famous for picking her nose, and having a fight with Whitney Houston. She also said she is a justifiable bitch... um OK girl, you work that angle.

I picked a winner! It wasn't me.

Side eyes for days.

I've never seen a more desperate man than just now. Hello, Brandon Block, superstar DJ to the stars. He is no David Guetta but you know what? He is sound af. He says "oi, oi" more than an Aussie cricket fan and he had an amazing heckler who kept saying "It's a hoax". David tells us his most prized possession is an electric toothbroosh.

This club is banging!

Helen Mirren is loving CBB.

Hahahah Stacy just offered everyone banana puddin' and pancakes. Girl that's Heidi's game. Step off. I suspect she'll be edited out of the waffle club. Anyway, I'm just not getting this whole show so far but here's Bianca again. Oh wait it's Nicola McLean. She sounds famous af but I'm wrong. She said something about fizz and everyone booed her and she claims water annoys her. What a sweetheart.

Watch out Emma, my tits are bigger than your head.

Ladddddd! We've been missing someone under the age of 65, and here he is. It's Jamie O'Hara. You know, the footballer? Oh where have you BEEN!?! Someone yelled out "hubba hubba" when he walked on stage and it was not OK. David tells us Jamie would hate to get to 60 and not have lehhved. God knows what that is but it sounds like he needs a cream for it.

"Ooooh no"

eidi is having a hard time picking people for the waffle club.

Ugh we're nearly there. Just a few more you guys. Next is Calum Best and I thought for a second he was from that band Blue but I was wrong. He's the Best! Besty's back"! He's a semi-pro snowboarder you guys. He also spits a lot. Swoon!

These people could not be more stoked TBH.

MAJOR MAJOR PLOT TWIST YOU GUYS! Get this: Calum, you know Calum, his mum, Angie Best, you know her, is coming on the show! She most definitely DIDN'T tell him she was coming on! I love her though. The senior citizens of CBB take my breath away. She says "hello my darling" to literally every audience member and swans over to Emma.