I am no doctor, I have never claimed to be. What I am however is someone with basic human intuition which makes me feel confident in claiming that eating a quantity of breakfast meats, roughly equivalent in size and weight to a microwave - or thirty gerbils occupying the same space as one microwave - is medically inadvisable. I do however hold a badge for first-aid, though, as far as I can recollect, the parameters around the recommended consumption of breakfast meats was not part of the course.
All that is to say that a burger van in Wales has created something which we should all fear. A concoction, the sight of which, will cause rivulets of cold sweat to trickle down the spine of even the most avid and avowed breakfast-lover.
What they have done, Rolling Rolls - this burger van - if we are to get down to the nitty gritty here, is sort of excavate the interior of an entire loaf of bread. Having done this, they then seem to have come of the opinion that this vacated space should be regarded as a landfill for breakfast materials. They have then promptly dumped all manner of fried goods into this space. The bread has essentially been designated as a kind of yeast-based mass-grave for several massacred full-Irish breakfasts.
Is there an unreasonable number of sausages? Yes. Are there several strata of sickly pink layers, reminiscent of a Vienetta but made of meat, that could only presumably be rashers? Yes. Are there beans throughout? Yes, there are beans, the beans are ubiquitous through the sandwich. They permeate it in so comprehensive a way that they seem omnipresent - we are dealing here with Christ-beans.
It almost seems as if it has been designed to allow someone to smuggle full-Irish breakfasts, to disguise them simply as a loaf of bread. Perhaps in some Footloose-esque dystopian future where, instead of dancing being prohibited, high-calorie, meat-centric breakfasts have been outlawed and this, this breakfast-filled loaf, is the only way of secreting a full-Irish past whatever security enforces this utterly mental rule.
When we consider the design of this sandwich we must deal with one over-riding question; surely, surely whoever - whatever force - created it, has no concept of how large a human mouth actually is. It is unreasonable, it is perverse to call this kaleidoscope of processed meats a 'sandwich'. Upon consideration I have reasoned that the only way it would be physically possible for this to be consumed were if it were liquefied and then ingested intravenously.
Their Facebook page contains photographs of some of their other offerings and it can be considered nothing short of a collage of culinary crimes against humanity - beautiful as they are devastating.
I mean just look at this:
Words fail me.