I want you to go down to your basement. I want you to look around and make sure that everything is in place, that the small, but comfortable camp bed sits erected, with clean bedding, in the corner. I want you to ensure that the boxes of dry food you have neatly stacked and stored are all where they should be and that they remain in date. I want you to ensure the lead lining to block out any and all radio and phone signals has not been compromised. I want you to confirm that the intricate system of security cameras, and the various locks and alarms you had installed to prevent his possible egress, are all functioning as should be - for 'tis time, for 'tis the moment of truth. 'Tis the moment when you will finally achieve vindication for all the time, labour and money that you have poured into converting your basement into a 'Daniel Radcliffe containment unit'. For Daniel Radcliffe is here, in Ireland.
He is within your grasp, for he is in Ireland for what can only be described as 'promotional purposes'. He lends his voice to the character of Rex Dasher in the newly released Playmobil: The Movie - a film attempting to capitalise on the success of the Lego film franchise by rendering in film another brand of children's building brick. So, as is incumbent on any star in the modern age, he is having to travel the world in order to convince as many people as possible that they should go and see him lend his voice to this, Rex Dasher.
Radcliffe is visiting Banbridge, Down, where his father grew up and is staying in the Belmont House Hotel, who shared a photo of his arrival.
I would hereby like to stress that, contrary to everything intimated by my opening paragraph, I am not advocating that fans of the ex-boy wizard head out into the hills of Down with butterfly nets, attempting to capture the celebrated actor in their unyielding mesh. I am certainly not advocating that they then, having secured him, intern him in their pre-prepared Daniel Radcliffe containment unit and charge visitors an entrance fee to come and look at the, increasingly bemused and concerned, actor in his new home, all from the safety of a specially constructed viewing gallery. I am not suggesting that at all.