Food and sex, like Emmerdale or the nation of Germany, have a long and complicated history that few of us can claim to truly understand. Whether the two have any place being mixed is a subject which everyone invariably has an opinion on. For every man you'll find who'll think nothing of saucily chomping down on a chocolate-coated strawberry while raising an inviting brow at a prospective sexual partner at a bus stop, you'll find another person who is utterly disgusted at the sight of some man ogling them while drooling chocolate and fruit all over his chin when all you're trying to do is wait for a dang bus!
Yet, for all this, there are a few foods that scientists hesitantly agree have the potential to inspire sexual excitement in people, they call these foods aphrodisiacs. To truly understand the relationship of food and sex, and what on earth constitutes an aphrodisiac, we need to ask ourselves a few questions.
- Can food make you feel sexy? Yes.
- Can food look sexy? Sort of, yes.
- Can you feel sexy after food? Yes - but not if you've eaten too much of it, esp. rich curries and hams.
- Can food make you want to have sex? Yes, some foods can.
- Can you have sex with food? Absolutely not.
It is with the fourth question on this list that we concern ourselves. Foods - like oysters - that allegedly have the capacity to set the blood-racing to all the right places - or, if you have a crippling shellfish allergy, to all the wrong places. Well a recent survey has revealed that Ireland's favourite aphrodisiac lies not in the watery shell of an oceanic beast but is in fact that harbinger of the end of both a night and the vestiges of your self-respect; the kebab.
As nightclubs pull their shutters and ooze their tipsy charge out onto the streets, literally (not literally) thousands of relationships have been forged under the glistening shadow of gracefully twirling pillars of pulped animal. Innumerable couples have first come together under the thrall of those meaty sirens.
One such person is 26-year old economics graduate and amateur taxidermist, Gwen Burbank. Ms. Burbank described to us exactly why she voted kebabs to be Ireland's greatest aphrodisiac.
Personally, there's something profoundly sensual about seeing a barely conscious man in a damp polo shirt attempt to gum his way through nearly a kilogram of distressingly cheap meats ensconced in bread - like some haggard, toothless bear gnawing on an old leather boot.
When asked what she thinks are the particular qualities about the kebab that make it such a popular aphrodisiac she replied:
I'm not really sure. I've often thought this myself, as to why other bread-meat combos don't really float my, and excuse my crudity, fuck-boat. I think it's the fact that with almost all other sandwiches the majority of their contents don't end up slathered down the chest of the person eating them, or deeply meshed into their facial hair, and for me, that's a great loss.
The election of the the late-night kebab as Ireland's favourite aphrodisiac is surely no surprise to any late-night frequenter of our nation's streets. Many couples can trace their roots to these dusky parcels of meaty midnight shame, though unfortunately, Ms. Burbank is not one of them.
No, no, I'm not in a relationship that began like that unfortunately. I rent my current partner for evenings thrice a week from an online agency I've a standing order to. It's an arrangement that suits us both.