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With the worst of Storm Emma reportedly having passed, Met Éireann has announced that it expects to lift the severest of its weather warnings by 6pm today.
While much of the media attention has focused on the meteorological 'red weather warning' that the potent cocktail of frigid easterly winds and the strong cyclonic Storm Emma - traveling up from the Bay of Biscay - there was an equally severe warning that was issued in tandem.
When Met Éireann staff began to prepare on how best to keep the country abreast of any developments relating to Storm Emma, a new and entirely unexpected crisis began to emerge. Nationwide, people were descending on supermarket bread stocks like a vest herd of pregnant women who'd all simultaneously developed an overpowering craving for gluten. As a result, a small department in Met Éireann - little known yet oft-criticised by those who do know it - sprang into action. The first ever 'Status Bread' warning was issued on Tuesday 5pm.
Since its inception in 1983, many have called into question the necessity of Met Éireann's 'Bread and Other Baked Goods Advanced Monitoring' Department, but, since the alarm was triggered, it has more than justified its own existence.
"Basically, since we began operating, way back when, we've been tasked with developing a nationwide bread-based surveillance system in every supermarket, bakery and street vendor, to monitor national bread stocks," said department-head Quincy Theakston. "If there's ever a shortage of bread in this country, we wanted to be the first to know. And for 35 years, everything was ticking over pretty solidly without incident, so much so that it was becoming increasingly difficult to justify maintaining the 40-strong team employed by the department to observe thousands of video feeds of bread-shelves. Then, well. Then Storm Emma."
When pressed on the nature of this 'surveillance system', Mr. Theakston described it, as a 'high-grade camera and thermal imaging network which covers any bread-selling location in the country'.
"A lot of people question it as a system; ethically; legally; in all sorts of ways really and, look, I'd be the last to say we don't come under some criticism. However I feel, in these overly-politically correct times, that the phrase 'sickeningly creepy voyeur' is thrown around all too freely. Far too..." At this point Mr. Theakston trailed off, distracted by footage on one of the many security monitors of an elderly couple browsing the depleted shelves of a patisserie in Thurles. His cheeks flushed and Mr. Theakston had to quickly sit down behind his desk.
Since Tuesday, bread supplies around the country have been perilously low. Sliced pans, baguettes, batch loaves et al. had been selling out almost as soon as they arrived in stores. "It's a disgraceful collapse of our food supply chain," ranted one irate shopper, "I haven't seen even a bit of crust of any of the more traditional breads for the best part of three days. I've really had to push the boat out and get to grips with some of the more exotic breads which I'm frankly less than comfortable with. Just yesterday, I had to eat a 'spelt and millet loaf'... What the hell is that?"
Thankfully the end is in sight, as Met Éireann's 'Bread and Other Baked Goods Advanced Monitoring' Department has said that their 'Status Bread' Warning is to end at 6pm today.
"From this evening, as the worst of the actual storm abates, we will see our bread situation begin to return to normal," said Mr. Theakston, still holding a box-file over his lap. "And not a minute too soon. We're just relieved we've finally been able to prove this department's worth after all these years. Now we'll see who the real 'black-hole of funding is here in Met Éireann... It's those fools over in gravy surveillance, who are, to a man, A-grade pricks".
