Unpopular opinion: Love Actually is a terrible movie. Yep, I said it. Over the Christmas period, I thought I'd watch a feel-good movie to keep the good times rolling. How wrong I would be. Love Actually is hailed as the greatest romance film ever by people whose opinions now mean nothing to me. It was okaaay but I'm not going to write home about it. Mainly because Australia is far away and my mum simply would not care.
I observed a number of irritating things about this cacophony of shit, this bastard movie that gave me all the feels... of confusion.
Here's some reasons why 'Love Actually' is actually the worst.
It might be easier just to go over the characters in the movie and why they were let down by this movie:
Rick Grimes
Rick Grimes starred in this movie and it was hard not to stare at his perfect face while he was being a complete and utter creep to an ultra smiley Keira Knightley. "Coraaalll" I wanted him to scream but instead he zoomed in 100x on Keira's face then proceeded to be extremely weird. And don't even get me started on the famous sign scene. Ummm it is not OK to serenade your best friend's wife who you have never actually spoken to. And especially not OK to say you love her and then NOTHING HAPPENS. Why why why. I did not see the point of Keira and Rick's exchange at all. No one felt good about this, surely?
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Keira Smiley
Jesus woman stop your giddy smiling for just 10 seconds and realise that you have a stalker and not a cute admirer. Why did you open your door to him? And why did you give him a kiss? Unacceptable!!!!
Alan Rickroll (RIP)
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I love Alan Rickman so much and watching this movie annoyed me because he was better than this. I desperately wanted him not to fall for the frankly slutty antics of the girl at his work. And it sort of seemed like he wasn't and he was feeling quite trapped by it, tbh. He was like ugh fine I'll get this girl a necklace and she'll go away. I was waiting for him to Rickroll her but it never came.
Emma I-hate-my-life-Thompson
What was going on with this storyline? I honestly thought this movie was supposed to be upbeat but every time Emma Thompson was on screen I thought I was watching a period drama. Seriously what even is your character? You're mad about Al getting this chick a necklace and you're into Liam Niceman? I beg your pardon. The story doesn't even end well for them, it just sort of IS NEVER SPOKEN ABOUT AGAIN. Ugh.
Liam Niceman
Any time Liam Neeson is on the screen, the movie gets a tiny bit better. The storyline about helping his son was lowkey cute af but I didn't like watching him give a eulogy about his wife knowing 5 years later in real life he had to do it for real. My heart.
The Hobbit and Cute Girl
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Wait so these two met on the set of a porno where they were body doubles? This movie just keeps making female characters incredibly weird. This was a fairly nice story that didn't really have much substance and could've just been on the deleted scenes. Yawn.
Bill Nighy
I love Bill Nighy. He saves this film with his DGAF nature and lack of real love story. You da man.
Fugly red head guy
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Hey I'm not even being mean, his friend said he was ugly too. This guy was a complete douche canoe and then he gets repaid not by being put in his place, but by getting 4 girls to have sex with. WTH, Love Actually?
Prime Minister Hugh
Hugh Grant used to be *the* guy and if I'm being fair, his scenes were the more enjoyable of the many, many scattered scenes of this movie. I would've watched a movie about him and Natalie and it would've been 3736 x better.
Fatalie
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OK so I do not think Martine McCutcheon is fat at all, but the movie really really wants you to think she is. On about four separate occasions, other characters mention how "big" she is and it's not OK. She doesn't even look large and everyone knows the camera adds 10 pounds.
Colin I-hardly-knew-ye Firth
This storyline was brief but OK. The only issues I had were that he didn't really know or could communicate whatsoever with Aurelia and based his love for her off a physical attraction rather than getting to know her as a person. There's probably time for that though, right?
Whats-her-face
Laura Linney plays a character whose story starts and ends pretty tragically. The guy she's trying to get with is a total babe but she wants to take care of her brother. Romance films don't have time for real problems! She should've told her brother that she was busy because movie characters can do that. But nope, we had our dreams dashed and it ended pretty safely and without that sexy coworker. He's prob still on her floor, 13 years later, waiting for her.
I've probably missed some other people but I'm still exhausted and annoyed after sitting through it. I thought everyone's stories ended well and I was so wrong. Love stinks.
