The Dark Truth Behind The Late Late Toy Show

The Dark Truth Behind The Late Late Toy Show

They Live is a 1988 sci-fi thriller in which a random schlub finds a pair of sunglasses that allow him to see the subliminal alien propaganda that's disguised under the consumerist advertising that dominates his world. This subliminal propaganda keeps the population docile by indoctrinating them with all-consuming materialism.

In a completely unrelated note The Late Late Toy Show is on tomorrow.

The Toy Show is a cavalcade of expensive, noisy plastic aimed at low-functioning humans, AKA 'Children'. The show will present us with all the latest in over priced tat for ungrateful children that will no doubt grow up to be utter bastards.

1. The toys are terrifying

In my childhood I was given a toy gun that had little caps that let off a damp little snap noise when you pulled the trigger. These days they have the NERF GENEVA CONVENTION FUCKINATOR: GAPE-EDITION, which has an effective range of 800m and is the only child's toy capable of committing a war crime.

On the more nurturing side of the market there's what essentially amount to battery powered children that can access your WiFi and will inevitably grow to resent you.

For some reason all of these are codified to lock into one specific gender, because no matter how sentient or devastating our toys become, we've still gotta make sure our children conform to them gender roles.



2. The 'talented' children are bizarre

The Toy Show has a special relationship with the Billy Barry Stage School children; a school full of poor souls who have exchanged their childhood for the chance to let their cloying, harridan mothers live vicariously through them. They inevitably put on a technicolour tour de force that makes Cirque du Soleil look like a bunch of drunk toddlers with dyspraxia.

Then there's the less force-trained childer, they usually perform a cacophony of bad pop covers and christmas classics as the adults in the audience clap along vacantly. They're never very good but they get a pass because they're 'cute' and 'children, calm down Kyle for fuck's sake'.


3. For adults it's just hollow distraction


One of the biggest draws of the Late Late Toy Show for adults is the nostalgia it awakens in them; bringing them back to the halcyon days of their childhood. This is flagrant escapism, a bid to distract themselves from the existential anxiety of the adult world.

Remember that when you're watching the Late Late Toy Show you're not actually enjoying it, you're simply less anxious for the first time in months. Frankly using a children's show to ease your woes is a bit pathetic, pull yourself together and use alcohol and class-A drugs like a proper adult.


4. Ryan Tubridy is a rectangle-faced charisma vacuum

Ryan Tubridy has the gravitas of a telecom pylon doing a shaky human impression. He totters around stage with a body that looks like like someone pushed wire coat hangers into a suit from Brown Thomas.

There's an internet ghost story about The Slenderman; an impossibly tall, skinny, faceless being that eerily  appears around children. Look at Tubbs, look at his lanky, suit-clad frame and tell me that this is just a coincidence.

Also read 7 New Patron Saints Modern Ireland Needs Right Now




Kyle Mulholland

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