Priests around the country are said to be padlocking their Tablernacles as swarms of weather-crazed agnostics descend on churches in search of the last bit of bread in the country, in advance of Storm Emma.
The Irish population has suddenly been hit with a new-found sense of divinity and are returning to a religion they had abandoned many moons ago. With a 'bedamndible' amount of snow forecast for the remainder of the week, shops sold out of bread nationwide on Monday night. Astute business people have started selling sliced pans on the black market but for those who cannot afford the extortionate prices, they've been left with no other option but show up at mass.
'I know communion wafers aren't the greatest tasting but we'll get a few ham sandwiches out of it at least,' said, Eugene Clerkin - a member of a congregation in Ballinamore - before inquiring as to where he might find 'one of those really, really big wafers the priest breaks in half during the Consecration.'
The worrying aspect of all this is that unless your local parish has a special midweek Lenten mass on, then many will have to wait until 'First Friday' mass, that is scheduled to happen right in the middle of one of the worst days of the storm.
Parish councils are already meeting about the possibility of having emergency mass as early as this evening.