Thousands Of Students Roaming Streets With Bags Of Cans As Race Day Cancelled

Thousands Of Students Roaming Streets With Bags Of Cans As Race Day Cancelled

Thousands of Irish students, awkwardly bedecked in suits and dresses, have been left stranded after Leopardstown were forced to cancel their student race day due to poor track conditions.

Hordes of students have been seen wandering the streets of Dublin dazed and confused, in scenes reminiscent of some low-budget zombie-movie - if said zombies were wearing their father's ill-fitting suits and, instead of lusting after a hot-serving of plump, nutritious brains, they were looking for somewhere to skull their cans of cheap central-European lager they're lugging around in a crumpled carrier-bag.

We caught up with one of these students, Ronald Burton, who, when we approached him, was trying to simulate the experience of being at a race day by standing at a canal yelling at some geese he imagined were racing one another. "I don't think it'd be overstating things to say that I feel bereft," said Mr. Burton, "I was looking forward to a wholesome day of screaming at some very, very fast beasts of burden while consuming medically inadvisable amounts of discounted lager. And now, thanks to the damn rain, I will at best only be able to do one of those things."

It is understood that Mr. Burton is lobbying for several changes to be implemented in horse-racing, in order to avoid ever having such a disappointment befall him again.


"Rain is unfortunately a part of our lives. I can't complain about that," he continued. "I perfectly understand that a water-logged track is unsuitable, and indeed dangerous, for a horse to run on; which is why I demand that we fundamentally alter the physiological structure of all horses to make them anatomically capable of running on water. At the moment - bearing in mind this is still very much in its draft stages, and I'm open to suggestions - I'm proposing that we surgically replace their each of their hooves with some sort of webbed, duck-like flipper. I'm in the process of setting up a GoFundMe page to buy a horse and trial this as a concept."

It is advised that, should you come across one of these groups, you maintain your distance, lest they try hassle you for can money.

Also Read: The Irish School Books That Still Haunt Our Dreams

Rory McNab

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