1. Wedding after wedding after wedding
Remember there seemed to be no end to the amount of 21sts you had to go to? Remember how you longed for those days to be over; to be able to live out your life in peace?
Well, surprise bitch! The God awful phenomenon that is the wedding deluge decade is here and it's not going away any time soon. God be with the days when you only had to fork out €21 to the host. God be with the day!
2. You're always tired
When you were young you could spend the week in pubs, get no sleep and still run around the place like an Energiser bunny on a sugar rush but now...
Now you just spend your days in a haze, not knowing what's really going on but wearing yourself out pretending you do know.
3. You're always broke
The idea of having any sort of 'disposable income' is a sick joke made up by people who release economic reports every six months. Your income is very much disposed of within about five hours of receiving your month's wages.
4. You have to listen to friends shite on about their babies
Your friends start to have children and for some reason, this triggers a mental illness where they constantly mistake you for someone who has the faintest bit of interest in the daily adventures of their screaming child.
5. Root canals
Those teeth you have. Yea, you can say goodbye to them. Your late 20s will bring with it the strong possibility of root canals as every part of your feeble body starts to fall apart.
'Sure what's the big deal?' you ask. Well when you discover that each of them cost a grand you'll quickly grow to understand.
6. Not being old enough to have 'five years required experience' for jobs but being too old to be a 'graduate'
Every job either wants a poor pawn with no experience or a Harvard graduate who has been running their own hedge fund for the last half a decade.
Don't I get a slice!? Where's my slice!?
6. Realising you actually have no clue about the 'in' things these days
Like what the fuck is dabbing!?
4. Doing your tax
When you finally do get paid for some work you then have the pleasure of dealing with tax. If you're lucky enough to be a PAYE worker then it'll be taken care of for you but not before you've spent at least half a year on emergency tax.
And if you actually have to send in your own tax returns you'll quickly find that the excuse 'My dog ate my form' simply won't cut it.
7. Having to purchase a second set of bed sheets
As a full grown up who probably won't be traipsing home every weekend with the washing this means you now have to paddle your own canoe in terms of bed linen.
May God have mercy on your soul if you're setting out to purchase an actual duvet. I still have no idea where'd you go. Woodies? KFC?
8. Spending your entire wages on your car
There's the price of the car originally, the cost of tax, the cost to insure it, the cost to put petrol in it, the cost to bring to a mechanic, the cost to run it through the NCT, the cost to bring it back to the mechanic, the cost to put it through the NCT again ... Must I go on?
9. Having to listen to your teacher friends talk about teaching all the live-long day
I'm actually really struggling to put this one into words. I mean, where do I begin with the issue? How can I adequately describe their utter gobshitery? Even just thinking about it makes me incandescent with rage!
10. Constantly longing for a good sit down
Every day just seems to be one long struggle where the only light at the end of the tunnel is the prospect of a decent sit down in the evening.
11. Not having the option of just not going to work
Remember when you'd wake up for college, think to yourself 'Fuck it, I'll just not go,' and roll back to sleep? Turns out your employer will not accept that kind of behaviour. Believe you me.
12. Being invited to 'dinner party' and then getting strange looks when you show up with a bag of cans
What the hell even is a dinner party? A load of people who used to be good craic sitting around drinking wine from a proper wine glass and talking about their babies and the trials and tribulations of being a teacher.
13. You pine for home
When you were in college your parents couldn't feckin pay you to come home on the weekends but now you grow to hate the big city and long for life away from the hub of your discontent.
14. Doing weekend activities that don't involve day-drinking
Rather than just going on a three day college party you now find yourself walking around flea markets, considering buying some pointless shit to make you momentarily forget that the time you were happiest was when you actually owned nothing more than a Penneys top and shoulder of Huzzar.
15. Never seeing any of your college friends ever again
Oh and those friends you made in college? You can wave goodbye to them and all! Sure how can you squeeze them in given all you're fit for in the evenings is a good sit down. And even if you had the energy, sure you can't afford to go out.
16. Developing a 'bit of a belly'
You'll be trucking along and then one day, for seemingly no reason whatsoever, you'll wake up and suddenly have a gut the size of Nantucket.
17. The very real worry that you're going to die alone
Being single in your early 20s is no problem but once you hit 24 or 25, you a) start running out of single friends to go out with and b) start to think 'Oh shit, I need find myself a eternal soulmate!'
Where do you do find one even? In desperation you resort to Tinder and have to deal with 25 meaningless conversations a day and the fake awkward laughs when you come across one of your friends on it and don't know what the hell the protocol for this situation is!
18. The incredible melancholy that haunts your every waking hour
A melancholy which was probably helped in no way by reading this article.
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