This is what you've been waiting for all week lads - the weekend! It's time to break out that naggin of vodka you've been hiding from your lil sis in your underwear drawer and smear on that purple lipstick. Call up your girlfriends. Call up your boyfriends. Let them know that tonight isn't going to be like any old other night out. Tonight, we're getting locked. Tonight, we're gonna make memories that we're gonna wanna forget as soon as they're made. What follows are the 13 inevitable stages of a drunken night out.
1. Stealing Clothes
I know I have a wardrobe full of clothes and everything, but I'm digging my BFF's closet a bit more tonight. I thank my lucky stars each day we share the same shoe size. Seriously, this is what best friends are for, right? Right.
2. The Predrinks
Now that the outfits are sorted (hello dress I can't breathe in) it's time to get the liquor flowing. Really, the predrink is the best part of the night. You get to pour your own drinks, take shots like there's no tomorrow, and munch on a few snacks just because you fucking can.
3. The Anthem
No predrink or night is complete without the anthem of your besties. It's like sacrilegious to not play your song before leaving the flat. It also give you another three minutes to get in last minute shots.
4. Snapchat The Night Away
How else would you be able to piece your night back together? Snapchat is literally a video diary of your life. Plus, it's a great tool of weapon to show your measly ex how fucking great your life is right now.
5. The Dance Floor
With a "few" drinks in your system, it's time to hit the dance floor with your ladies. The DJ is killing it tonight, and the alcohol seems to be working. You bust that move you ONLY bust when the tequila does its job. Well done, tequila. Well done.
6. Breaking The Seal
You just couldn't hold it any longer. You're a little disappointed in yourself for not lasting a little longer, but hey, you're still a champ. You'll do better next time.
7. Round Of Shots
Now that the seal has been broken, it's time to fill up! Shots, anyone?? There's a special! It's rude to not take shots when it's on special. Tequila?
8. The Bathroom Heart-To-Heart
I think the expression goes, "You meet all your best mates in the bathroom stalls," or something along those lines. The most meaningful exchanges I've had were next to/huddled down in the grimy toilets. It's where dreams are made.
9. Drunk Texts
Drunk texts are when autocorrect decides to fuck with you and not correct a damn thing you write. Why has there not been an app developed to help the uncontrollable drunks?
10. Contemplation Of Lovers Past
Yep, the alcohol has settled in now. It's time to reflect on that one boy who broke your heart two/seven years ago. Why couldn't he love you? What went wrong? You figure this is the perfect time to reflect on it.
11. Last Orders
This is probably the most desperate part of the night. Do we do one last round of shots? Do I order two vodkas? Do I order nothing at all?? This moment in the night could make or break you.
12. Drunk Munchies
When in doubt, order the largest pizza. People will eat it. It would be the worst thing in the world to run out of food, so always double down.
13. Half-Awake Half-Asleep Couch Hangout
While you're waiting for the pizza, you drift into this state of purgatory consciousness. You're physically awake, but mentally? Nothing is there. You forgot you ordered the pizza. Are people talking around you? Are you dreaming? *Bell rings*
I've been reborn.
Video: When You're Drunk And You Lose Your Phone
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