44 Of The Worst Things To Wake Up With...

We've all had those mornings where you wake up next to a shell of a human being and you wonder, what was I even on last night?! Worse again is waking up alone and seeing a big pile of copper coins next to your bed - you know you've spent the month's rent on Jägermeisters for random strangers and you'll be living on instant noodles for the next two weeks. Those are the obvious ones. Here are the less obvious ones. The very worst things to wake up in bed with are...

1) A Wasp's Nest

2) A Love Heart Tattoo With 'Bubba' Written On It

3) Plane Tickets To New Jersey

4) A Jersey Shore DVD Box Set

5) A Chicken Curry Without The Box

6) The Talking Puppet From 'Saw'


7) Someone With A Rats-Tail

8) A Horse's Head

9) An Envelope From The STD Clinic

10) A Ransom Note

11) A Brand New Tarantula


12) 10,000 Lego Pieces

13) One Direction Tickets

14) A Message From Someone That You Have Saved Under The Name 'Gollum'

15) A Bald Spot

16) Amnesia


17) A Prince Albert

18) Vikings

19) A Broken Television

20) The Smell Of Napalm

21) Crutches


22) A Famous Performing Whale

23) A Pneumatic Drill

24) A Receipt For A Colonoscopy And A Sore Ass

25) An Open Laptop With Skype Still Running

26) A Chess Board With One Piece Suspiciously Missing


27) The President's Body, With Your Name Written On The Wall In Blood

28) An Octopus

29) Ointment In An Unmarked Tube And A Note That Says "Apply Every 2 Hours"

30) Hades, God Of The Underworld

31) A Lighter, A Can Of Deodorant And The Smell Of Burnt Hair


32) A Pod Full Of Goo, Hooked Up To The Matrix

33) A Pod Full Of Goo, In Your Back Garden

34) A Pile Of Money And A Note That Says 'Thanks'

35) The Taste Of Shame In Your Mouth

36) A Voice-Mail From Liam Neeson


37) Fishnet Stockings

38) A Small Army Of Frogs

39) A Pentagram

40) Your Pet Dog, Who Saw What You Did Last Night And Has Now Lost All Respect For You

41) Glitter

42) An Inability To Stop Screaming Due To Suppressed Trauma From The Night Before

43) A Policeman's Hat

44) Several Spider-Bites, Received In An Attempt To Gain Super-Powers

Know what looks good on a C.V.? Published work! If you’re interested in joining the College Times team, please email us ([email protected]). We’d love to hear from you!

Stephen Hill
Article written by
I like everything everything that was big in the 80's: Meatloaf power ballads, video games with swords and dragons, cartoons about anthropomorphic animals solving crimes and movies with Bill Murray in them. I know nothing about any sports, with the exception of Quidditch. I'm also fond of tea, the occasional custard cream and support the Browncoats

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