Jade O'Leary
Facebook creeping – we’re all guilty of it. Everybody does it, and if you say you don’t, well then you’re a big dirty liar. And lies make baby Jesus cry.
Social networking sites give us the opportunity to browse through people’s profiles at our leisure, stalking their photos, trawling through their wallposts, finding out what they had for dinner or what kind of fabric softener their mom uses. In today’s society, it’s considered the norm.
Do you suffer from a bad case of Facebook stalking-itus? Here’s a few ways you can find out…
(1) Thinking you know someone, but you don’t.
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Have you ever seen somebody out and about, and you just can’t place where you recognise them from? Maybe you were talking to them on a night out? Shook their hand at mass, perhaps? Lol no, I remember now, I just stalked the sh*t out of their FB page. Crisis averted.
Or even worse still, you greet somebody with a cheerful “Awh hiya!” before realising you don’t actually know them, you only THINK you know this person because you look at their Facebook or Twitter so often.
Yep. That’s embarrassing. But hey, you can’t help the fact that their life as a FB Stunnah is just so much more interesting than yours. Wish I could drink that much WKD errry weekend and live to tell the tale. Sigh.
(2) “I wish I was as pretty as her. She makes me look like a melted welly.”
We all have that one super annoying, but gorgeous girl as a friend on FB that constantly puts up pictures of herself. You’ve probably blocked her from your News Feed.
Yet that doesn’t stop you occasionally going through their Profilers and crying into a tub of Ben & Jerrys (or Lidl brand ice-cream, recession wdc) because you wish your cheekbones were that chiseled or your eyelashes were that long. Depressed.com.
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Look on the bright side – maybe somebody creeps on your pictures wanting to be as hawt as you are.
Yeah, probably not though. Tear.
(3) Exes.
Be it your own, your current partner’s, your friend’s, your sister’s/brother’s/granny’s, whatever – if they have a Facebook, you will stalk it. And you will stalk it haaaaaard.
Some girl/guy is posting on your friend’s ex’s Timeline? You let them know ASAP.
Your ex puts up something weird or embarrassing? Thank the Lord you got away from that.
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Psychologists recommend (and by ‘psychologists’ I mean agony aunts from the advice columns of magazines) that you should delete those kind of people from your friends list, as it is unhealthy to be constantly checking up on them.
Hehe, as if you’re going to do that though – you’re waaaaay too nosy.
(4) “I’m glad I’m not you…”
Does anybody else have some of the most cringey people as their friends on Facebook? Ones that you look at and they instantly make you feel better about yourself? If not then I am a horrible, horrible person. But anyway.
You want to yell at them things such as “STOP SHARING STUFF LIKE THAT IT’S DEPRESSING/EMBARRASSING/DERANGED YOUR MOM ISN’T GOING TO DIE JUST BECAUSE YOU IGNORED A PICTURE OF JESUS” or “WHO TOLD YOU HAVING HAIR LIKE THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?”
Their statuses, comments and photos more than likely irritate you, but you find you can’t help but check their page regularly and find out what’s going on in their odd little world.
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I hope that my Facebook makes somebody, somewhere, feel better about who they are. I’m a kind and giving person like that.
(5) ‘Private Account’ Frustration.
As in, that anger you feel when you come across somebody who looks like they would be interesting to creep on but you’re not friends with them and their page is more secure than the Joy.
Other symptoms include: those mini heart attacks you get when you accidentally ‘Like’ something mid-stalk and you have to move faster than lightening to undo the damage, and constantly refreshing your News Feed to keep up with potential stalkees.
And that, my friends, is when you know you have a serious problem.
