I don't care what you say, if you're a girl, then you're a worrier. I don't know what it is about vaginas and boobs that makes us bat shit crazy in the head, but hey ho, that's life. Every morning we wake up with some new irrational worry in our head, and there's no way we can just get on a bus without worrying that the guy beside us is an axe murderer of some sort. Maybe it's all the Criminal Minds we watch but really, can you blame us? Either way, every girl has, at some point or another, had one of these stupid worries in their head:
1) I'm pregnant.
You don't even have to have had sex lately, or at all, to have this fear. We just fear it. Period's a day late? Pregnant. Boobs are a tiny bit sore? Immaculate conception. Trust me, we can think of a thousand reasons why we might think we're pregnant that have nothing to do with sex whatsoever. Step aside Mary, we've got this.
2) My dress is caught in my tights.
I don't care if it goes down to my ankles, I can feel it and it's caught up and now everyone can see my ripped tights and the shame is just too much.
3) Do I think she's gorgeous because she is, or am I gay?
I'm just appreciating her, that's all.
4) I think my boobs are too hairy.
This can't be normal.....Can it?
5) The guy behind me is definitely following me.
He's been walking behind me at far too close a proximity for AT LEAST ten min- oh no wait he's gone.
6) I can't have another Starbucks or my pee will smell like coffee.
And that's just weird when you go into the bathroom. Falling asleep on the bus, here I come.
7) I can't use the pillow in his bed in case I drool.
How will I explain the weird stains? The dampness? The fact that I'm such a goddamn babe?
8) My period is definitely all over the seat.
And it's a white couch as well. Fuucccccccccck.
9) I think I just peed in his bed.
Oh deary, deary me..... Back away slowly and never come back.
10) I took a tablet before the four hours were up, this is basically an overdose.
Tell my Mother I love her and will forever think of her.
11) I can't wear these heels out, my toes are too visible and they'll get destroyed.
I need these little piggys man, back the FUCK away from my precious little tootsies, right?
12) What'll I do if my bag breaks? My tampons will fall EVERYWHERE.
Run and hide. Run and hide.
13) I forgot to say "thank you" to the bus driver, I hope he doesn't think I'm rude.
I'm a nice person, I SWEAR. I'M SORRY MR. BUS DRIVER. I really hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me some day.
14) Leaving the till too soon because you don't want to hold anyone up.
But now I have to try put my change back in my purse at the same time as walking. I am not equipped for this sorcery.
15) I'm pretty sure the condom is still.... in there.
BUT I CAN'T FIND IT, WHAT DO I DO?
16) I forgot what the lecturer said, I hope the person beside me doesn't notice I'm copying what they've written down.
And bitch has nothing written down. Great. Thanks so much for nothing. *Sigh*
17) Rehearsing exactly what you'll say to the person in the takeaway.
Must. Not. Stutter. Must appear cool, calm and collected.