I've suffered really badly with insomnia over the last three years. Nothing has worked for me, like literally, nothing. These are all things that I can relate to and I'm sure that any other sufferers will too. Check them out below. Catch you on the flip side bitch!
1) When You Lie Down You Can't Get Comfortable
It literally feels like you're sleeping in wet clothes, that's how uncomfortable you basically are and we all know that the land of nod is very, very far away.
2) 9 AM Lectures Don't Exist To You
What sort of gobshite goes to a 9 am lecture? Where do they get the energy from! Can I have whatever they're having because that is not Berocca and if you try to tell me that it's due to 'exercise', I swear....
3) You Hate People Who Can Sleep Anywhere
I know a guy that once went into a toilet during a play and fell asleep on the floor. If I could fall asleep on a floor I'd think I'd quite generally be worried about my health.
4) You're Always Tired
Well, of course you're always tired, you've probably averaged 8 hours over the last 3 nights which is a normal night to a normal person. In fact, you're so tired by now that everything sounds very far away and your eyes are burning in your little head. Can't even.
5) You Eat Late At Night
People talk about midnight snacks like they're a bad thing. A midnight snack to us non-sleepers is 4 am....dinner's at midnight for us, ok?
6) When Everyone Is Getting Up To Start The Day, You're Only Getting Comfortable
People get up at 7 am on weekdays for 9 am jobs and college, but as the clock reaches 6.59am and you're still awake, it's that minute before your clock goes off at 7 am that you feel comfort come upon you. Typical!
7) You Always Want Your Room To Be Darker
This black is not black enough! Some shades of black may as well be the sun shining on your eyes. I didn't realise until I became a non-sleeper that there were so many different shades of black. Or, as I also refer to them, shades of 'go fuck yourself Clara, you ain't sleeping on OUR watch'.
8) Noise Is Your Enemy
A tap dripping, a clock ticking...these noises have the ability to send you into meltdown mode. I sleep with ear plugs in and I can STILL hear things through them. Nightmare!
9) Everything Comes Into Your Mind When You Close Your Eyes
"I wonder has anything happened on Facebook", "oh no, I should have let that old lady sit down on the bus". "I wonder what 548492893 x 34839410 is....."
10) Your Friends Abroad Are Always Wondering Why You're Online
Your friends in Austrailia always write to you asking"why are you awake you huge weirdo?" You're always thinking to yourself that maybe I'd sleep better if I moved there, they seem to sleep when I want to. Oh wait, it doesn't work like that.
11) If You've Had Surgery Then You'll Understand That A General Anaesthetic Is The Only Thing That Will Put You To Sleep
I've had surgery a few times and it's awful to admit this, but I've looked forward to getting the anesthetic because it's the only bit of decent sleep that I get on a yearly basis. All together now, nawwww!
12) Birds In The Morning
Evil creatures! Evil, evil little fu*kers! Crows are probably the worst of all and they love jumping around on the roof, torturing my every waking thought. Can't be dealing.
13) Sometimes You Feel More Awake At Night
When I go to sleep it's like my body decides to go 'WOOOO TIME TO PARTAAAYYYYY'. No, it's not time to 'partay' it's time to sleep, so just sleep you dick.
14) Shopping Channels Are Normal TV To You
And you probably have a favourite that you go to watch and buy things off. That juicer in the corner that you never use, that cheese grater that slices tomatoes too; all from the channel with the ladies in 80's fashion-inspired looks and all sitting there untouched.
15) When You Finally Close Your Eyes Your Alarm Goes Off
6:59 eyes close.
7:00 (alarm goes off) eyes open.
16) You Think You're Going Crazy
If Barbara from HR comes at you with a 'want a tea' one more time, you may just throw the kettle at her. Laughing for no reason or crying and laughing at the same time? Lack of sleep or maybe you are going crazy. Or maybe Barbara's just a bitch....
17) You Never Feel Awake
Every day just feels like it's just a roll over and sleep has never existed in this life. People talk to you and think you're being rude when you don't respond to them with enthusiasm and wild hand gestures, but in reality, you literally hear nothing they say, it's a calm blur. Focus? You must be joking.
18) When The Sun Rises That Means You Rise
In my case, I sleep with an eye mask on and no matter what, the sun gets through and that's me done. If I didn't have a sleep mask, I don't think I'd even get to sleep through those bright shades of black.
19) You Brag About Not Needing Any Sleep
If anyone ever says "I need 8 hours a night", you're all like "Oh really? I don't need sleep at all, absolutely graaaaand without it!" Reminder: NO YOU'RE NOT. You're surviving my friend, not living.
20) Day Time Naps Don't Exist
How anybody gets to sleep during the day is beyond me. Pure and simple. All of that noise, all of that light! I actually can't think of anything worse really.
21) You're Always Tossing And Turning
In fact, tossing and turning should be your middle name. Each toss or turn ruins your sheets, which ruins your sleep, which ruins the next day annnnnndddd we're back right where we started.