Is your music alphabetised? Do you know all the words to the long version of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Can you do the dance to Saturday Night Fever? Hate to break it to you, but you are socially awkward.
To survive in the world of mingling and small-talk you need to acquire certain skills and learn to mask aspects of the fetishes that rule your life and let's be honest, there's a lot. Luckily for you though, I'm here to help make sure you're aware of your social awkwardness so you don't get caught up telling people that their hair smells nice.
The one plus for you right now would be that social awkwardness is gaining popularity. It has gone from weird to adorable; it is in fact the exact opposite of the Furby of wasted childhoods gone by. In a comeback reminiscent of every boy band you secretly idolise, programs like Community and The Big Bang Theory, regardless of what you wrote on your blog about them, are making people like you acceptable. This is something you should cash in on regularly bringing up how you're such a Leonard.
"Okay I'm a Raj! Now stop looking at me like that!"
The first step to remember is that there is an easy way out and it is to get utterly destroyed before showing up because alcohol makes everyone and everything more interesting but it also gives you the self-confidence to actually open that mouth of yours. However this can backfire depending on the scale of awkwardness you lie on and might only promote the evident shortcomings in your ability to converse with just about anyone except your own dog or the Americans on the other end of your PS3 headset.
"NO YOU'RE A WHORE!"
There's a fine line between being that funny guy everyone likes and that guy who just keeps telling jokes because nobody else shares his love for online roleplay gaming; this is a line you have to walk as if it's the bit of the path with no cracks on it (c'mon admit it, you avoid them like you do eye contact). Being funny is great and all and your friends might enjoy your company, but out in the big bad word not everyone appreciates a dead baby joke or 9.
Entrances aren't all they're cracked up to be: just get in, wave at anyone in the distance as if you're accepted and latch on like the social leech you can be! Rub that 'witty' opening line off the palm of your hand. "A polar bear weighs 350-680Kg, just enough to break the ice" which is nowhere near heavy enough to break most ice masses, fuck off. You need mutual conversation points to survive a party, if you like sports, great! If you don't like sports, you like sports now.
"Did you see that ludicrous display last night?"
When it comes to talking to women, you can just talk (listen) about any of your (her) interests and you will be flying like the model airplane you got at the way-too-old age of 17. If and when you get stuck talking to that shitebag that wants to lure you back to your old self, give him a hand-off like you would a charity collector on Grafton Street and drive on to greater pastures.
Finally, lesson 5
And the most crucial part to being accepted of them all: the Facebook add. This is a tricky area, Facebook lures you into the want of having 7,000 friends when you really only have 11. After a night out don't be the guy who adds everyone at 4am that morning in a desperate plea to be their first thought of the day. On the other hand, 5 days is a long time in people's lives when they don't spend it playing Football Manager (it all went wrong after I sold Marek Hamsik) and by then you could be forgotten like the lads who played Kenan & Kel. Time it right and you can be Zack, time it wrong and you can be Screech. Live long and prosper Screech, live long and prosper.
You can get more words of wisdom off Dave on Twitter @CudiBuzzin.