The Walk Of Shame: Expectations Vs Reality

Look, the 'Walk Of Shame' should not be called the 'Walk Of Shame' when all it is is a clear sign that you're mojo was flowing, you picked someone up, got invited back to theirs for 'a drink' and had an adult sleepover. What about that is shameful I ask you? Nothing. There is however, a certain amount of expectations that go with a night such as this, we're here to paint you the harsh reality. Don't blame us, you know you've been there.

When you wake up:

 

Expectation

 

You wake up refreshed and with a smile. You turn around in the bed to see him sleeping soundly, you push back a piece of his gorgeous hair and think 'Wow, what a night'

Reality

 

Your mouth might as well be made of sandpaper and you smell like the kebab you shared last night and WAS HE ALWAYS THIS BALD?

When he wakes up:

 

Expectation

 

He opens his gorgeous eyes with a very smooth 'Hey Beautiful'.

Reality

 

He murmurs something like 'Have you seen my phone?' and burps. The smell of the Kebab makes you dry retch.

When you do the awkward leave get their number dance:

 

Expectation

 

'Can I have your number' he smiles, 'I'd really like to see you again'. He leans in for one last sexy kiss and says, "I'll text you later."

 

 

Reality

 

He awkwardly asks your what you're up to this week and you internally freak out and think he's a stalker.

When you try and leave all sassy and cool:

 

Expectation

 

You walk around in his shirt while you drink your coffee and then shower and change, looking as done up as you did the night before, then go out the door, blowing him a kiss and leaving him wanting more.

Reality

 

You didn't take off your make up (obviously), so you have mascara half way down your face, your skirt now looks beyond ridiculous seeing as it's February and you smell like an ashtray from sitting in the smoking area all night. You awkwardly make your way to the door, forgetting where it is and having to ask him for directions.

When you’re trying to get home:

 

Expectation

 

You decide to walk, such a gorgeous day and you have a spring in your step. Walk of shame? More like the stride of pride. You call your best friend to fill her in on the best sex ever.

Reality

 

You can't get a Hailo because you've no battery and also, you've no idea where the hell you are so you walk to the closest bus stop... in your high heels.

When you bump into them later that day:

 

Expectation

 

You look fresh and rested after a nap, you say something totally breezy like 'Oh hello there, are you following me or is this just a happy coincidence?' as you sip sexily on your straw and give him the come to bed eyes that worked so well for you the night before.

Reality

 

You literally bump into him while you're picking up your take away, hood up, no bra on, curry sauce now dripping out of the paper bag. You mumble 'Hey how's it going... just picking up my take away... hungover to fuck yeah, bye' and shuffle away like a weird little gnome.

…and then you finally realise you’re doomed.

 

You realise after all the awkwardness that he actually never asked for your number and although the sex wasn't amazing and you don't really fancy him, you'd still appreciate a fucking text and who the hell does he think he is anyway? 'Men are dicks' you say as you press play on Mean Girls.