1. The Happy Drunk
The happy drunk can be identified by his ridiculously good mood. They’ll laugh at everything, dance whenever they get the chance, speak in hyperbolic superlatives and generally act like they are having the greatest night of their life.
2. The Sloppy Drunk
The sloppy drunk will slur every other word as they degenerate into a disgusting combination of sweat, spilled alcohol and vomit. They’ll fall all over the place like he contracted a sudden case of vertigo, and you’ll end up having to carry them around all night like they were wounded in ‘Nam.
3. The Sentimental Drunk
The sentimental drunk will spend all night telling everyone how much they love them, reminiscing about old times both real and imagined, and crying because you don’t hang out enough anymore like in the old days.
4. The Infantile Drunk
The infantile drunk pulls a Benjamin Button as the night wears on, and with each drink they get progressively more child-like until finally they are talking in a baby voice. A phenomenon weirdly often found in big, fat grizzly bear types.
5. The Violent Drunk
The violent drunk spends all night positive that people are talking shit about them, and at some point they will get in a fight over something dumb, like some dude looking at them funny or another dude taking too many peanuts.
6. The Touchy-Feely Drunk
The touchy-feely drunk acts more like someone who just did a bunch of pills, and they’ll be a little, uh, handsy with everyone.
7. The Naked Drunk
The naked drunk will use a single drop of alcohol as an excuse to get in touch with their inner exhibitionist. They may spend some of the night shirtless, and at some stage remove all clothing.
8. The Broken Drunk
The broken drunk just sits by them self, drowning their feelings in a tidal wave of sweet, soul-deadening alcohol. They drink because the sober alternative is just too terrifying to face. They won’t say anything to anyone until they finally piss themselves and then break down crying because they’re sorry for everything.
9. The Manic Drunk
The manic drunk somehow manages to be every other kind of drunk all in one night.
10. The Professional Drunk
The professional drunk is different because they have no symptoms. That’s the point. They have made maintaining an art form. In other words, they’re alcoholics.