Nanny: Future Ambassador Pete Hoekstra, have you eaten all the eggs?
Future Ambassador Pete Hoekstra: What gave you that impression Nanny?
Nanny: Because all of the eggs are gone.
F.A.P.H.: But that could've been anyone.
Nanny: - And you told me that you wanted to eat all the eggs.
F.A.P.H.: Well that-
Nanny: - And your hands, face and lap are covered in egg.
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F.A.P.H.: But-
Nanny: And you're wearing a t-shirt that says 'I, Future Ambassador Pete Hoekstra have just eaten all the eggs'. You are also holding a half-eaten egg in your hand and you have been chewing on egg throughout this whole exchange.
F.A.P.H.: *swallows* ...I have not eaten all, or even any of, the eggs.
Such is how an imagined conversation between a young Pete Hoekstra - future Republican Party member and, since 11 December 2017, acting U.S. Ambassador to the Netherlands - and his nanny may have gone. I do not know whether Pete Hoekstra ever had a nanny, I do not even know what his attitudes are to eggs in either large or more modest quantities; it is, as with all things, the subtext that is important here. It is what this imagined exchange with Future Ambassador Pete Hoekstra illustrates about Pete Hoekstra that is important. An aspect of his character that was recently further exemplified during an interview on Dutch television where he outed himself as the quintessential exemplar of everything that is wrong with modern politics.
During the interview he initially denies having ever made a profoundly Islamophobic statement regarding there being so called 'no-go zones' within the Netherlands where Muslims set fire to 'cars' and 'politicians'. The culmination of his disputing these supposedly erroneous quotes sees him label them as 'fake news'.
'Oh well,' you may be thinking, 'I guess there is no way we can prove either way whether he said these things or not. I guess we must simply let it slide and continue our trudge through this world, accepting our being kept in this ignorant suspense'. Thankfully however, the report adds a video insert of archive footage of the exact speech made by Pete Hoekstra that the reporter was quoting.
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What with archive footage being added in the edit, dear earnest Pete Hoekstra was not to know that he had been rumbled. The reporter, attempting to move the interview on, humours Ambassador Pete Hoekstra's labelling of his own quotes as 'fake news;. Pete Hoekstra however is not done, he still has one more ace up his sleeve; one last twist in the tale - or tail, as given his proclivity for lying it would not be surprising were it revealed that he had cloven hooves and a tail. He then astoundingly denies having used the phrase 'fake news', an incident which occurred some three seconds prior to his denial of having said it.
He has by now tied himself into such knots of rhetoric that even the most seasoned contortionist could only look on in envy. He has warped reality to such an extent that he has broken through into some other dimension; some Pete Hoekstra centred world where through the sheer audacity of lies he has formed a new reality. A reality to suit his needs and his needs alone, the needs of Ambassador Pete Hoekstra.
Now to be fair to dear Ambassador Pete Hoekstra, it is possible that prone to cataclysmic lapses in both his short and medium term memory. It is not for us to rule this out, Perhaps he warrants sympathy, not our scorn. Or, it is probably more likely, that he is simply a bellend of astounding proportions. A bellend so vast that he could be declared an eighth wonder of the world. A bellend so grand in scale, that primitive peoples would deify him, would set up religions to worship, to make sacrifices to the unfathomably expansive bellend that we know as Ambassador Pete Hoekstra.
