This morning I was casually scrolling through Irish Reddit when I was shocked, appalled and disgusted to read that an American considered Irish tea "cheap". Jason Weisberger, the American, wrote an article for the website BoingBoing entitled Ireland and England’s ‘best’ teas, reviewed by an American. Weisberger began by stating that Barry's, our national symbol of pride, was Ireland's "cheapest black tea in a bag". In a bag says he? Sure what else is it suppose to be in! Would you have us using those tea strainers now? Absolute notions from this one.
Weisberger, a.k.a wise guy, casually referred our Barry's to that British muck PG Tips. Us Irish don't bring tea bags away with us for nothing! Barry's is the cheap tea that makes it all possible. In his past life the man had sense and put the PG Tips away in the press, never to see the light of day again:
"A cute box of PG Tips has been sitting in my kitchen. PG Tips bills itself as "England's No. 1 Tea," vs Barry's claim of being "Ireland's finest." I'd tried PG Tips and didn't find it memorable, so the box got put on a shelf"
After describing PG Tips as "cute" and Barry's as "cheap" I have a few choice C words for you. Thankfully he didn't find PG Tips memorable. He did decide that the PG Tips were calling to him "as they tumbled out of the press" and decided not to chance his arm and brewed both teas. If he, somehow, assumes that this was a sign of Gods work then he is nothing but a fool! Everyone knows God loves Barry's tea. To add insult to injury the Yank goes on to say:
"Barry's comes in a proper dirt cheap looking tissue paper bag that somehow doesn't disintegrate in the hot water. PG Tips comes in a pyramid shaped bag reminiscent of the tricorn battle hats worn by our former tea taxing overlords, or perhaps Hamen"
How very dare you... Dirt cheap? Only fools judge a book by its cover. Weisberger goes on to further demonise our national pride by referring to Barry's as a "deep black mass" and PG tips as "kinda golden". You know what else is golden? The Lannisters hair colour!
A lot of our questions about this man were answered when he revealed he takes his tea with "half-and-half". Half-and-half is basically curdled goat's milk that has been sitting in the bottom of your fridge since rationing was in fashion. In turns out his "half-and-half" takes priority in his world of tea and proves he just doesn't know what he's doing:
"...PG Tips tastes weakly of old cardboard and has a distinctly metallic tang...PG Tips does not so much blend with half-and-half and sugar as colour them and left me with a creamy, sweet cup of metallic tasting hot water. PG Tips claims to have first been produced in 1930. I guess 29 years means a lot."
At least he came to his sense about PG Tips. Now, will someone put the kettle on? I'm so disgusted, I'll need 3 cups and a pack of biscuits to move on. Desperate times altogether.