"Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof woof woof. Who let the - Why are the dogs sniffing and barking at my anus?"
"We, the Garda drug squad, let them out sir. The reason they are barking at your 'anus' - as you so charmingly put it - is because they are sniffer dogs and suspect you to have narcotics hidden on your person. You are hereby under arrest on suspicion of possession. Anything you do or say may be used against you -"
"- Woof, woof woof -"
"- Sir, stop woofing or I will hit you with a baton."
There has been a somewhat confusing furore over recent days whereby the organisers of the Trinity Ball, Trinity Ents, were forced to deny that there would be any sniffer dogs searching for drugs during the event.
The confusion came about after they published guidelines relating to the event, which is billed as Europe's largest private party, on Sunday night which utilised the phrase 'ball area' with reckless abandon.
Drugs are not permitted in the ball area. Before the ball starts, the complete ball area will be searched by trained sniffer dogs under the direction of the Garda drug squad, who will be on duty in the campus for the duration of the ball.
Aside from the fact that that statement features perhaps one of the greatest sentences of all time, "the complete ball area will be searched by trained sniffer dogs," it was somehow misconstrued by students reading it.
In some grand act of self-generated fake news word had quickly spread around the college that the event itself would be patrolled by packs of snarling sniffer dogs, roaming freely through the hoardes of suited-up jiving youths. Obviously, this isn't the case, not least because it would be difficult to imagine a sniffer dog's salary leaving it enough disposable income to be able to afford the frankly extortionate €87 it costs for a ticket to Trinity Ball itself.
The confusion over the issue forced the Ents Officer, Jonah Craig to clarify that there would not be sniffer dogs at Trinity Ball itself, but that they will simply be performing sweeps of the campus before the event begins. He described these sweeps as routine before every Trinity Ball as, invariably a small amount of drugs are found stowed around Trinity's campus before the event.
H/T: The University Times